Text 22638, 85 rader
Skriven 2007-11-12 17:49:00 av JIM WELLER (1:123/140)
Ärende: Food Humour 1
=====================
From: the onion

As An Upper-Class Gourmand, I Will Settle For Nothing Less Than The
Luxury Of Ritz-Brand Snack Crackers

By H. Reginald Worthington III Millionaire Hedonist November 7, 2007

As a member of what might be called the "ultrarich," I have attended
some of the finest soirees in the most elegant surroundings in the
world. Naturally, I have consumed all manner of hors d'oeuvres on
any number of snack crackers. But one cracker stands alone as the
only brand fancy enough to meet my exacting demands: I will never be
satisfied by anything less than the upper-crust sophistication of a
Ritz.

Ah, Ritz... the very name itself conjures up images of handmade
satin tuxedos, gowns of the finest gossamer, and grand ballrooms.
White-gloved, top-hatted gentlemen strutting down baronial
staircases while twirling canes. Impeccably dressed orchestras with
matching outfits performing Jazz Age ballads. Champagnes chilling in
gleaming silver ice buckets. White-jacketed Negroes issuing forth
from kitchens bearing silver serving trays heaped with the finest
crackers ever manufactured by human means.

Ritz is simply the fanciest cracker known to man. When my chef
prepares something sublime for my well-heeled guests to eat before
dinner, he needn't search any further for a gourmet recipe than the
back of the cardboard Ritz box itself. A panopoly of gustatory
delights awaits! Smoked salmon, atop a Ritz? Sheer delight. Feta
cheese and red peppers? Just like on the luxury cruise liners of the
Aegean sea. Duck? Pheasant? No other cracker would dare offer such
mouthwatering dining options, because no other cracker comes close
to the refined elegance of a single, salty, buttery, crumbly Ritz. 

I could not imagine consuming a lesser cracker. 

A saltine, my good sir? Dare offer me a saltine?! Pray tell, what
grave offense have I committed to deserve such a crass display of
effrontery? Do I look like a member of the lower born? Do you take
me for an illiterate gutter-dweller, wallowing in my own filth in
the street? A urine-soaked, pus-riddled common animal, licking its
open sores and eating its own feces, sir? 

I would rather be that than be made to consume such gruel as a
saltine. Now take the repellent offal away and return posthaste with
a cracker more suited to my standing as one to the manor-born: that
rarefied and distinguished snack item known throughout the upper
echelons of Continental high society as the one and only Ritz.

One can almost hear the cries of "Waiter! Another bottle of this
magnificent cremant d'Alsace! And while you're at it... another
plastic tube full of these divine Ritz-brand snack crackers, with my
compliments to the chef!"

Sometimes, I indulge myself so far as to acquire several thousand
dollars worth of caviar, truffles, Kobe beef, and endangered larks'
tongues and scoop it all into my gullet with an entire box of Ritz
crackers in a bacchanalia worthy of the pagan Caesars.

In fact, one cannot help but wonder why Ritz crackers come to us in
a paper-and-wax package, shelved near and sometimes even
touching such lesser crackers as Triscuits, Wheat Thins, and other
vulgarities of the common supermarket. They ought to be
hand-delivered by coachmen in powdered wigs and livery, in a
gold-inlaid chest encrusted with precious gems. 

Ritz crackers are, and always will be, a luxury of unparalleled
refinement, equal in elegance to such finery as Campbell's Cream of
Mushroom soup—the creme de la creme of mushroom soups! Or that
standard-bearer of fine cuisine the French call "casserole du tuna."
Not even the velvety smoothness of the finest Velveeta cheese
product is its equal.

Vive la Ritz!

-x-

Cheers

YK Jim


___ Blue Wave/QWK v2.20 [NR]
--- Platinum Xpress/Win/WINServer v3.0pr5
 * Origin: Doc's Place BBS Fido Since 1991 docsplace.tzo.com (1:123/140)