Text 9278, 102 rader
Skriven 2007-12-31 18:14:41 av Roy Witt (1:397/22)
   Kommentar till text 9079 av Ward Dossche (2:292/854)
Ärende: Cats
============
30 Dec 07 12:01, Ward Dossche wrote to David Drummond:


 DD>BF>> Tell that to the hunters that have either being killed or injured
 DD>BF>> by bears here this past year.

 DD>> How many were killed on the roads there this year?

 WD> People do not get killed in Sweden by cars, didn't you know?

 WD> They have now chips in everything. In people, in dogs, in cat, in
 WD> moose, in cars, in potatoes, in beer .... everything.

 WD> All of it is continuously controlled by a giant computer from a guy's
 WD> garage in Saeve.

 WD> The computer knows exactly who is doing what and where and when. That
 WD> information is relayed to a switching-unit in the neighbourhood where
 WD> the individual is and will be used to monitor the speed and brakes of
 WD> cars in that vicinity so that before an individual has left the
 WD> house, the cars already will have stopped.

 WD> Chips in animals serve the same purpose. Female moose in the wild
 WD> have been trained to come to a special moose-chip-implant-facility
 WD> when they are about to give birth to a baby-moose to get the thing
 WD> installed immediately. For humans this is not necessary, Swedes have
 WD> a 24th chromosome which controls the natural growth of such a chip.
 WD> There is a differance between men and women though. The chips that
 WD> grow in men are a shiny metal colour while those in women are a
 WD> flashy pink, some yellow. This is cause for a number of "dumb yellow
 WD> chip women" jokes.

 WD> The chips in food do not digest but in fact stay functional
 WD> throughout the whole digestive system. It is used to monitor
 WD> digestion, see how much shit that can be expected, observe methane
 WD> production and various things.

 WD> The methane-production is monitored to make certain that Swedes do
 WD> not fart anymore. When there's too much build-up the central computer
 WD> will trigger an alarm and the special MRU, "Methane Response Unit",
 WD> will come rushing with a truck and a crew which will push a tube up
 WD> that particular Swedes ass to suck all methane from that person's
 WD> bowels. This has made Sweden famous in the world as "the country
 WD> where not a single fart is lost".

 WD> As for the chips in shit. It allows the central computer to monitor
 WD> the progress and quality of the shit through any Swede's intestines.
 WD> When crapping-time approaches the central computer will send a signal
 WD> to the "TPDU", the Toilet Paper Dispenser Unit, which will release 3
 WD> sheets. If that is not enough, there is an emergency button which
 WD> when pressed will release one extra sheet of toiletpaper but not more
 WD> as that would endanger that person's annual quotum on toilet paper
 WD> which, of course, is also monitored by the central computer.

 WD> At the same moment a message is also flashed to the community's
 WD> "MSRS", the Municipal Shit Retrieval System, which is not a toilet
 WD> but a conveyor belt system reaching into every Swedish house and
 WD> location where one otherwise would expect a "TOILET", that is a
 WD> toilet. From early age on Swedes are taught how to defecate properly
 WD> onto the conveyor belt so that not a single ounce of shit becomes
 WD> lost. It requires a special position and narrowing of the eyes when
 WD> the necessary pressure is exerted, this often makes the Swedes look
 WD> like Chinese, except for the colour that is. This is the start of the
 WD> popular story in Europe that "If China wouldn't have had any Chinese,
 WD> the Swedes would have invented them".

 WD> Anyway, I'm deviating too much, the conveor belt collects all shit
 WD> from Sweden and transports it via an ingenious system of larger
 WD> conveyor belts to a secret location somewhere in the country where
 WD> nobody ever goes. During long winter nights grandfathers have been
 WD> known to tell horror stories to little children gathered around them
 WD> in front of earthfires about people who ventured into that misterious
 WD> land and were automatically detected by the central computer to be
 WD> changed into some brown muck otherwise know as "SHIT" ... Swedish
 WD> High Intensity Turf.

 WD> Anyway, little is it known that this whole system has been designed
 WD> by a madman from his garage somewhere near Saeve with the sole
 WD> intention of finally getting into the Guinness Book of World Records
 WD> in the category "highest mountain of crap" but little does he know he
 WD> will never reach that goal as the biggest pile of that substance
 WD> alreadyy resides in Las Brisas, Texas.

You've written a great auto-biography to this point...the biggest pile of
shit resides in your own bedroom...you probably know who she is.

 WD> Anyway, I could tell horror stories about chips in Swedish beer,
 WD> which explains its awful taste BTW, and how they are used by the
 WD> computer in Saeve to monitor to flow of liquids through the body to
 WD> pre-program all Swedish penises so they pee in the toilet and not
 WD> beside it, how it influences the "TSCM" (the Toilet Seat Closing
 WD> Mechanism), but I will not go that far.

Would have made a great 'Fidonews' article, an on-going weekly column
even. Too bad you blew your whole wad in one shot.

                R\%/itt



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