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Skriven 2015-11-18 11:50:32 av mark lewis (1:3634/12.73)
     Kommentar till en text av ward dossche
Ärende: happy birthday (belated)...
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Who's first?


Seems there were these three professionals sitting around talking about the
oldest profession (no, not THAT one, dearly beloved).

The Doctor says, "Well, the Bible says that God took a rib out of Adam to make
woman. Since that clearly required surgery, then the oldest profession is
surely Medicine."

The Engineer shakes his head and replies, "No, no. The Bible also says that God
created the world out of void and chaos. To do that, God must surely have been
an engineer. Therefore, Engineering is the oldest profession."

The Lawyer smiles and leans discreetly forward. "Ah," he says, "but who do you
think created the Chaos?"

=====

Cherry tree


"George?"

    "Yes, father."

"George, I have a very serious question to ask you and I want you to promise
you'll answer truthfully. Will you?"

    "Yes, father."

"Good. Now here is the question. Did you cut down my cherry tree?"

    "No, father."

"You're quite sure?"

    "Yes, father."

"Well, I'm afraid I'm very disappointed in you, George."

    "Why, father?"

"Because 12 people saw you cut down the cherry tree with your little hatchet."

    "Oh."

"In view of that, would you like to change your previous answer, George?"

    "No, father. I believe the answer I gave you was legally accurate."

"You still insist you were telling me the truth?"

    "In my own mind I was telling you the truth, yes father."

"What the [deleted] is that supposed to mean?"

    "Well, you asked me if I had 'cut' down the tree. In my own mind, it seemed
to me that 'cutting' is something one does with a knife or a sickle. In my own
mind it seemed that, since I used my little hatchet, the relationship I had
with the tree, while perhaps inappropriate, was not a 'cutting' relationship. I
would call it a 'chopping' relationship."

"Very well. I'll give you another chance, George. Listen very carefully. Did
you chop down my cherry tree?"

    "No, father."

"No? No? Why do you still say no?"

    "Because, father, I cannot tell a lie. And in my own mind I did not 'chop
down' your cherry tree."

"Well, what did you do, then?"

    "I chopped it into two pieces and one piece fell to the ground."

"So you chopped it down."

    "No, father, I merely chopped it. I did not cause that piece to fall down.
The force of gravity caused it to fall down. Were it not for the force of
gravity, over which I have absolutely no control, the tree, though segmented,
would presumably still be up, not down."

"George, I'm losing patience with you. But I'm going to give you one last
chance to tell the truth. Did you take your little hatchet and chop my  cherry
tree, which action on your part, combined with the force of gravity, caused the
tree to fall down?"

    "No, father."

"NO? NO? IT'S STILL NO? HOW CAN YOU STILL SAY NO?"

    "I still say no because of my legendary regard for the truth, father. What
is that object at which I am pointing with my childish little finger?"

"It's the stump of the cherry tree you cut down."

    "And isn't the stump part of the tree, father?"

"It sure is."

    "In fact, isn't the stump the most important part of the tree, father,
since, without a stump there would be no tree?"

"I guess so."

    "Yet the stump is still standing. So when you asked me if I had chopped
down the tree, my own mind said to me, 'George, you must tell the truth. And
the truthful answer is no. You chopped, gravity caused part of the tree to fall
down yet the most important part of the tree is still standing.'

"I see."

    "All I can suppose, father, is that those 12 people whose exaggerated
claims allege they saw me 'cut down' the entire 'tree' were motivated not by a
search for truth but by some personal vendetta against me, perhaps because I am
from Virginia."

"George, you're a real crafty [expletive deleted.]"

    "Thank you father."

"Have you thought about what you want to be when you grow up?"

    "Yes, father. If they ever build a White House I would like to occupy it as
the first White House lawyer."

=====

Valentine


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and
starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks
him what he is doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" .

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

=====

True words


The following are actual statements made during court cases.

No, really....  Trust us on this one.



Judge: I know you, don't I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
________________________________

From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
________________________________

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
________________________________

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
________________________________

Lawyer questioning his client on the witness stand...

Plaintiff's Lawyer: What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained
while at work?

Plaintiff: Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer: And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

Plaintiff: Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good
plaintiff's doctor.
________________________________

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
________________________________

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.

Witness: I didn't see no fight.

Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.

Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung around and
changed partners, they would slap each other, and one fellow hit harder than
the other one liked, and so the other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife
and someone else drew a six-shooter and another guy came up with a rifle that
had been hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and
bullets.

Lawyer: You, too were shot in the fracas?

Witness: No sir, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
________________________________

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
________________________________

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of your name. Not a
damn thing.
________________________________

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in
your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
________________________________

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

=====

Duck!


A big-city lawyer was duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird,
but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence... As the lawyer
climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into
this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is
my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I
am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get
that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in
Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas-Three-Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied,
"Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so
on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about
the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city
feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's
groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose
off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to expire. The lawyer summoned every bit of his
will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my
turn!"

The old farmer grinned and said,"Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

=====

Grass is greener


A young lawyer was driving his new Lexus when he saw two men eating grass by
the road side. He stopped and got out to investigate. "Why are you eating
grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man
replied.

"Oh, come along with me then.", said the lawyer.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along!

"And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man said.

"Bring them as well!", said the lawyer.

He called his wife and asked her to bring the SUV over and take the second
man's family. They all climbed into the cars.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, I think we can feed you to your heart's
content, the grass at my house is about two feet tall!"

=====

Not so dumb


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to New
York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired,
just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window
to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He
says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five
dollars, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees
to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the
moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill,
and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and
searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he
sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail. After an hour,
he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well,
what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and
goes back to sleep.

=====

Lawyer FAQ


Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

    It's called Sosumi.


How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

    She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.


If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?

    Not enough cement.


What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

    Skeet.


What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

    His partners.


What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

    Taller.


What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

    Nothing. There are some things even a pig won't do.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

    Removable wingtips.


Why did God make snakes before lawyers?

    To practice.


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

=====


)\/(ark

"So let me ask you a question about this brave new world of yours. When you've
killed all the bad guys, and when it's all perfect, and just and fair, and when
you have finally got it exactly the way you want it, what are you going to do
with the people like you? The trouble makers. How are you going to protect your
glorious revolution from the next one?"
- The twelfth Doctor

... ZMODEM has bigger bits, softer blocks, and tighter ASCII.
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 * Origin:  (1:3634/12.73)