Text 216, 139 rader
Skriven 2004-09-24 19:48:00 av Greg Sears
     Kommentar till en text av DAVE COBLE
Ärende: George type_F unnys.....
================================
  Date: 12 Jul 99  13:35:28
  From: George Pope

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask
is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river
to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the
luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his
hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time
I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it
that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at
all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have
been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws,
can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting
them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good
reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks
his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown
who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.  Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little
trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring
the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you
know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck
in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
usually feel a lot better

ø If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em
  go, because, man, they're gone.
ø I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
  hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
  never expect it.
ø To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
  when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you
  give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
ø If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator,
  I bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you
  make it shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it
  shoots."
ø I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not
  our children's children, because I don't think children should
  be having sex.
ø If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
  mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a
  panic.
ø To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
  choreography and the dancers hit each other.
ø Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just
  call them "impressions," and if you got a different
  "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers?
ø Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
  sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
ø I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
  out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
  because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
ø I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate
  revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up
  to him real quick and hand it to him.
ø If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
  flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye
  contact.
ø It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
  And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just
  sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
ø Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks
  out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess
  that's like a regular window.
ø If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor
  people, like I am now.
ø When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was
  call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it
  up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had
  deer horns.
ø I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
  whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a
  larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one,
  except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no
  paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
ø If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your
  horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back
  and he guy was reading a magazine.
ø If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I
  think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the
  vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're
  serious about adopting the vulture.
ø Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they
  believe me?
ø If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep,
  and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends
  and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I
  don't know what to tell you.
ø One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't
  run with a wooden stake.
ø For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why
  not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
ø Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
  losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire
  and nobody got scared.
ø I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because
  then, Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
ø If by some occurence you find yourself falling of the CN Tower,
  Just let yourself go limp. If some people see you falling they
  may try to catch you thinking, "hey, free dummy!"
ø Why is the dove the symbol for peace. Why not the pillow? It
  has more feathers and it doesn't have that dangerous beak!
ø If some guy asked me the meaning of Love, I'd pin his arm up
  behind his back and say..."Now look who's asking the
  Questions!"
ø The funny thing about a person driving off a cliff is that
  they probably have their foot on the break. Hey, why not try
  the emergency brake?

 * SLMR 2.1a * Excuse my poor attitude.  I'm currently confign a reader!

--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)