Text 232, 134 rader
Skriven 2004-09-27 22:10:54 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Book
================
Funny

 -=[26-Sep-2004 13:22, George Pope replied IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-

 GS>          To someone who have children around....
 GS>
 GS> A Matter of Life & Death
 GP> [...]
 GS> Just to let you all know that the Main goal for doing the CPR is to keep
 GS> the victims brain oxygenated to avoid brain damage. It won't hurt to
 GS> learn the basic resuscitation in fact it will help so much especially if
 GS> you have kids.

 GP> Yeah, but how is it funny?

  G-day George Pope, do you have kids? ;-?

> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

Influencing a senator

A car salesman trying to "influence" a senator by offering
him a new car for free.  The senator tells him that he
could never accept such a gift under such circumstances.

"That would be unethical, dishonest and against the law!"
he replies indignantly.

The salesman thinks for a moment, and suggests he "sell"
the senator a car ...for $20.

The senator nods approvingly, "Great, I'll take 2."


> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

invisible monkeys

I have begun to suspect that invisible monkeys may inhabit my new office
building.  I have yet to see one, but ever day around lunch creatures of
simian intelligence flock to the bathroom and liberally water the
bathroom floor.

I have made it a personal project to reform these primordial beasts and
help them move into the category of tool-using hominoids.  The tool in
question being a urinal.  This is the journal of my continuing progress.

Experiment 1 Education

I made a sign enumerating the finer points of trajectory and flow
control.  A small set of experiments have indicated that posting said
tract on fluid dynamics over the urinal only results in less hose
control as the primary aiming implements (i.e. hands) are then used to
examine the document instead of being used to direct flow away from the
floor. EXPERIMENT FAILED

Experiment 2 Motivation

I then came up with the idea of adding a target to the urinal.  Perhaps
making the user experience more interactive could make the urinal
preferable to the simplicity and convenience of the bathroom floor.

For this experiment I used a set of whiteboard markers acquired from the
deployment lounge to draw a large targeting reticule in the urinal.
Preliminary experiments were promising, yet repeated applications of the
markers were required to keep floor viscosity at a minimum.  Also
repeated requests for markers have resulted in loss of store room
privileges at work.

The remaining markers are now locked away and with out additional
funding the experiment can not continue.  I am forced to return the old
markers (now smelling slightly of ammonia) to the deployment lounge.  No
one appears the wiser. MODERATE SUCCESS

Experiment 3 Marketing and Sociology

After having a request for government funding denied on the grounds that
no invisible simian species exist, I am resorting to private funding.  My
proposal is to get simian related themes printed on urinal cakes in the
hopes that the creatures will become intrigued with the urinal and
possible puzzle out its use.

Unfortunately my ROI (Return on Investment) estimates were horrid.
Apparently the simian population (invisible and not) are not a strong
marketing demographic.  To broaden my projects appeal I came up with
the idea of marketing instead to humans and using Sociology to affect
the monkeys.

My new proposal use urinal cakes with the picture of Bin Laden.  The
monkey population may not be entranced but the humans in my building seem
drawn to the prototype urinal cake

I am hoping that the repeated demonstrations of the urinal's use
combined with powerful social factors will help reform the burgeoning
monkey population in my building.

My new plan was brilliant.  Funding arrived from several sources and I
now have enough change to make telephone calls to several business
partners.  I spent a few hours calling urinal cake manufacturers.

A few calls later I finally have a business partner who understands my
needs, he has offered to help me for free for "the good of the cause".
Enthralled I agreed to his terms.

Unfortunately licensing issues with the photographer and distribution
problems have stalled the project.  Furthermore my partner left with all
my notes and is now working as director for a large competitor.

Undeterred I continue to run the organization in my spare time.
Unfortunately my attempts to manufacture urinal cake myself fail
miserably.  My mothers biscuits, while the appropriate color and
consistency, appear to dissolve twice as fast as my larger competitor.
Attempts to use 3rd party cakes also fail as they repeatedly jammed the
printer on both "letter" and "legal" settings.  I looked briefly for an
illegal setting, but no dice.  NOT PRACTICAL IN THE SHORT TERM

EXPERIMENT 4 Extermination

Due to the set failed experiments, I now spend breaks lurking in the
bathroom with a baseball bat.  Hopefully if I take enough of them down
the problem will improve..  RESEARCH ONGOING...

PS.  the printer is still jammed.


Cheers from,
  ICE-man      /\ Christchurch+          \ | /  Mountains, Sunshine
 Canterbury   /  \/\          |  /\     -- 0 --  Forestry, Farming
New  Zealand~/      \!!ii,,,,_*_/==\--~~~~~~~~~ First to USE 2004!!

... George, better find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)