Text 2445, 119 rader
Skriven 2005-09-05 02:43:04 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: F unny
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'DAY TRADING FOR DUMMIES,' INCLUDING NAPTIMES, BANKRUPTCY LAWS
By Dave Barry, The Miami Herald, December 29, 1999

How would you like to make BIG MONEY while sitting at home in your bath
robe eating cake frosting straight from the can whenever you felt like
it?

If this sounds like the ideal career to you, then you should get into
"online trading," which means getting rich by buying and selling stocks
on the Internet, a worldwide network of computers operated by magic.

I assume you are on the Internet.  If you are not, then pardon my French,
but vous etes un big loser.  Today EVERYBODY is on the Internet,
including the primitive Mud People of the Amazon rain forest.  In the old
days, when the Mud People needed food, they had to manually throw spears
at wild boars; whereas today they simply get on the Internet, go to
www.spear-a-boar.com and click their mouse a few times (the Mud People
use actual mice).  Within three business days, a large box is delivered
to them by a UPS driver, whom they eat.

So you, too, need to get online, and it could not be easier!  Signing up
with an Internet Service Provider (ISP) takes only a few minutes, after
which you will immediately start enjoying all the benefits of having a
fee charged to your credit card every month until the end of time.  If
you wish to cancel your account for any reason, such as your death, all
you have to do is contact your ISP, fill out a simple form, then climb
into a big tank and fight Rex, the Customer Service Death Squid.

But you won't have to worry about monthly fees once you're making "big
money" as an online trader!  Of course financial experts recommend that,
before you make any investment decision, you should carefully read a
"Q&A"-type column written by a trained English major.  Here it is:

Q. Are there any risks associated with online stock trading?

A. Yes.  People do get hurt.  To cite just one example:  A man whom I
will call Webster P. Horngasket II of 2038 Open Wound Lane, Eau Claire,
Wis., who was unemployed and had a wife and five hungry children to
support, took his last $17.40, which was supposed to be for little
Jessica's insulin, and decided to "play the market" with it, despite
having no previous experience.  Two days later, his lifeless body was
found crushed under an enormous pile of thousand-dollar bills that he had
failed to stack properly.

Q. What a chilling cautionary tale.

A. His family had to go to Disney World without him.

Q. How should I choose an online brokerage?

A. You'll be trusting your brokerage with your financial future, so you
should make absolutely sure that you pick one with a good TV commercial.

Q. What about the brokerage whose commercial for some reason consists
entirely of people square-dancing?

A. That is an excellent firm, although every now and then the staff has
to run out and assist in the birth of a heifer.

Q. OK, I've chosen an online brokerage!  Now what do I do?

A. Step one in your investment program, according to the American Society
of Financial Planners, is to quit your job.  "The best way," notes the
Society, "is to write a businesslike letter of resignation and staple it
firmly to your immediate supervisor's forehead."  Now you're ready to get
rich by trading stocks!

Q. What, exactly, ARE stocks?

A. They are pieces of paper stating that you, personally, own a piece of
a company.  This means that if you own stock in, say, General Motors, any
time you want, you may walk into a Chevrolet dealership and take a piece
of a car.

Q. What if I own stock in NBC?

A. You may touch Jennifer Aniston's thighs.

Q. What is the best strategy for buying stocks?

A. Consider the story of two neighbors, "Bob" and "Ted," who each have
$5,000 to invest.  "Bob" invests in a diversified portfolio of solid
stocks with prospects for steady long-term growth; while "Ted" gambles it
all on a single high-risk stock.  After six months, during which the Dow
Jones Industrial Average has risen by 14.3 percent, "Bob" falls to his
death while attempting to unclog his gutters, and "Ted" suddenly realizes
that he does not have to return "Bob's" riding mower.

Q. So it's better to just let the gutters stay clogged?

A. That has always been our philosophy.

Q. What causes the Stock Market to go up and down?

A. A man named Alan Greenspan.  If he's in a good mood, the market goes
up; if he's in a bad mood, the market goes down.

Q. So you're saying I should put uppers in his Metamucil?

A. That is how Martha Stewart did it.

Q. Can you give me the name of a "sleeper" stock that you know, from
"inside" information, is about to go through the roof?

A. Yes, and here it is, unless the newspaper editors decide to keep it
to themselves.

Copyright 1999 Miami Herald.  All rights reserved.

Cheers,
       __o          o__      o__      o__      o__     There's one
     _ \<,_        _.>/ _   _.>/ _   _.>/ _   _.>/ _   in every
    (@)/ (@)      (@) \(@) (@) \(@) (@) \(@) (@) \(@)  crowd....
...I C E-man.

... I C E-man.. I'm a mere dabbler compared to some of the wizards in here.

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
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