Text 247, 468 rader
Skriven 2004-09-30 07:16:38 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Book
================
GS> GS> So Dorothy jumps in and says, "No no Edna. Don't listen to Mary.
GS> GS> Before my husband gets home from work, I get completely naked and get
GS> GS> on my bed an pull my legs back behind my head. When he walks in,
GS> GS> INSTANT erection."
GS>
GS> :'( Where's the rest of the story?
GS>
GS> G-day George Pope, sorry Mate, use your imagination....
GS> better yet let me draw you a picture OK! ;-)
Funny
-=[28-Sep-2004 14:55, George Pope replied IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-
GP> Yeah, I read the story, so I knew the picture that she was presenting
GP> to her husband, I just guess I missed the funny part in what sounds
GP> like a straight-forward documentary-style statement of an occurrance.
GP> . .
G-day George Pope,
Are you saying " this story is repeated in/on every bed in every village,
town, city, and metropolice in B.C. canuck? " ;-)
GP> SHARING HIS LIFE SAVINGS.....
OK, lets talk ~sharing~ CyberPope..
Scorpio condoms outsell all others. That's probably because people try
to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that
they're a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get
caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesn't scare a Scorpio.
And a Scorpio doesn't get caught.
Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy
invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because
propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a
pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion,
when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship,
cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way.
Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with
travel cases.
Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you.
They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of
a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be
on target with Cupid's arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality,
ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the
conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the
longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra
long.
With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are
optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go
stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When you're horny
enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign,
and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a
little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they
come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for
extra stimulation.
With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as
the MiXXe Maxim, "Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late
you stay up and with whom doing what." Since Aquarius is a social sign,
Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with
your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water <bearer.When> your love
juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on
<mysticism.Pisces> are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic
bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little
spikes are optional on the inside.
Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games.
Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and you're on
a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented
people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are
made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a "get up
and go" attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing
stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx
packaging is optional for the black sheep. Aries prides themselves on
being first and best.
Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want
when you want it, you want an Aries condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the
astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious
materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus
condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and they're frequently
on sale.
Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once they've made a
decision, they're almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure
thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus
condoms are the ones you want when you're really horny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications
<skills.Accordingly>, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual
positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and
come with a special audio chip. Naturally, they're available through
mail order.
Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always
come in special pop up dispensers so that you don't have to work too
<hard.Gemini> is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin
packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to
do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety
and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated
for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure.
Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you
decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for
a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a
time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens
grace many collections.
Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The
makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring "Breast
Worship Rituals." Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful,
large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When you're not
getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer
condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos
tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo
condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo
condoms come in one size: extra, extra large. Leo is symbolized by the
lion.
When you're ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, you're
ready for a Leo condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of
fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally
sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure
rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed,
all purpose instruction manual.
Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When you're ready for some
ritualized defloration activities, you're ready for a Virgo condom.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the
fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer
<packaging.Libra> condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best
dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They
are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the
responsibilities.
Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your
mind, you want a Libra condom.
> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
You might want to add these rhyming sex terms to yer ~BOOK~
WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky
THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex,
especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's
car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an
unexpected parent
RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken
BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest
DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts
TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse
PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces
on her teeth
FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both
STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's
private parts by the male's hands
HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!
ANGLE DANGLE -- penis inclination immediately prior to or following
an erection or ejaculation.
ASS MASS -- exterior indication of possible interior capacity.
BEAVER CLEAVER -- a red-blooded, All-American guy.
BEAVER FEVER -- an excitement beyond the normal with a resultant
extremely hot beaver.
BEAVER LEAVER -- a faggot or homosexual.
BOOBIE LUBEY -- stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual
interest.
BUMMER CUMMER -- failure to reach an orgasm.
CASH SLASH -- a beaver only available by rental.
CLIT SPIT -- initial lubrication of a fresh beaver.
DEAD HEAD -- a state of non-erection.
DICK TRICK -- special chemical or compound (Viagra, etc.) used to
wake a sleeping or otherwise dormant dick.
ERECTION CORRECTION -- what four hands do the instant the tool slips out.
GANG BANG -- a service rendered to the significant other, and to all of
his buddies.
GASKET BASKET -- birth control device, namely a diaphragm.
HANKY PANKY -- any form of sexual stimulation or persuasion designed for
a later lower invasion.
HOLE POLE -- penis of larger width and of greater length than normal.
LOOSE JUICE -- stuff responsible for the wet spot left during, and
after, lovemaking.
MEAT HEAT -- state of readiness in which sweat begins to accumulate upon
or around the instrument of love.
MOISTER OYSTER -- an extremely eager, well lubricated beaver, even more
receptive than a JUICY LUCY.
MUNCHIE HUNCHIE -- oral sex preceding sexual intercourse.
NOOKIE BOOKIE -- a crack salesman, a pimp for prostitutes.
NOOKIE CROOKIE -- someone who tries to, or does, gain a sexual favor
without full consent of the person involved.
PACKIE CRACKIE -- filling a crack using a much larger than average size
packer.
PECKER CHECKER -- madame or health control official in a house of pleasure.
PETER EATER -- descriptive term for individuals performing oral sex on
males.
PETER METER -- unit below which love muscles are neither accepted nor
admitted.
PILL THRILL -- mood while under the influence of Ecstasy or a similar
mind altering substance.
POUND HOUND -- descriptive name for actions of someone making up for a
long period of sexual inactivity.
SHINEY HINEY -- event involving defurring of a beaver.
SILLY WILLY -- tendency of the love muscle to either rise or fall at the
wrong time.
TEAR DEAR -- drops forming in the eye of one on every occasion her
virginity is again sacrificed.
TOOL FOOL -- someone who would rather play with, or admire, it than use
it.
TURKEY LURKEY -- a married man lurking in the corner and ready to pounce
once a single guy has softened her up with drinks and
sweet talk.
TUSH BUSH -- exhibiting abundant expanse of pubic hair.
TWAT SQUAT -- sex position involving the female in the dominant position.
VAGINA DECLINER -- a faggot or homosexual.
> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Alien Research on Earth
Dear Zof, My Supreme Leader of Planet Klopps:
Our mission here on Earth is advancing rapidly and here is my latest
report on the creatures here. The most advanced species here on Earth is
the panda bear, which is gentle, wears a beautiful, thick coat, and
survives by eating long rods of a celled organism which grows out of the
ground, called a plant which the humans have named, "bamboo". The only
drawback is that we have been unable to communicate with the bears in
psychic, verbal, or written forms, but they seem self-sufficient and able
to raise their young, none the less. It appears they must have some kind
of communication among themselves because they have survived centuries by
eating a very simple celled, unintelligent organism and without harming
others. In our visitations, they seem the most agreeable to us and have
not tried to shoot, eat, or trap us. We are largely ignored by this type
of creature except they are frightened when we made a mistake and landed
our spaceship too close to their habitat. We are relentless, however, in
our efforts to communicate with them, and we will continue the cause of
your most noble being, dear Zof.
We know, Zof, that you were especially interested in our report of the
creature called Human. Since the last time we came, the violent creature
called Human has grown much worse. They are very near to killing off
everything on their entire planet through misuse of the atom, arguing
over differences in religion and habits. The Human is traveling
everywhere these days on this planet in a vehicle called a car, so we
cannot escape their attempts at sighting us. We will continue to work
harder in this regard. They also use a craft which rides on a hydrogen-
based liquid called water, called a boat, and a craft which glides in the
oxygen atmosphere called a jet plane. The jet plane, by far, is the
fastest and deadliest vehicle they have. We have had to use our costly,
experimental cloaking technology to move through their air space without
collision with their jet planes.
These human creatures appear to be very disturbed and confused by our
presence. Our psychic connections to them, although weak and clouded with
no thanks to the mind control device called the television have shown us
that the creatures actually perceive themselves as the highest life form
on the planet. They also believe the Creator created them in his image,
and that life forms do not exist on other planets. Can you believe this
great insult, dear Zof? When the humans have found us, they send higher
forms of their beings called the CIA out to hunt us down and dissect us
in experiments. By the way, if you know what "CIA" means, please let us
know. We had an entire aquatic research party of 20 woo-ja-dee taken away
and killed by this measure. We still have psychic connections to only a
handful of this team and they are only partially conscious of where they
are and who they are at this point. They appear to be several miles
underneath the ice cap of the planet. This highlights the frightening
consequences of our interaction with this creature and we will continue
to try to locate this missing research party.
They still raise partially intelligent creatures in large numbers, then
kill and eat them at least two to three times a day in a ritual meal.
They are so hideous that they even bake and eat the flesh on something
called a chicken and eat the feet on something called a pig. Another way
in which they show their primitiveness is that most human adults
encourage their human young to start their day drinking a sticky white
liquid discharged from the bottom of a large, gentle brown animal called
a cow. Many even commit blasphemy to our Creator by praising him for this
meal!
Throughout the day, many of the human young unwrap a dead cell organism
called paper from around another dead cell organism called candy. This is
a smelly, sticky substance which seems to causes the young to grow
extremely violent when there is a shortage. We tried an experiment that
caused this candy substance to vanish temporarily and many of the young
caused the older humans to drive their land vehicles off lines across the
planet called roads, causing death in many cases. We regret the
unfortunate deaths of these creatures and will be more careful in future
experiments. In cases where the young survived this experiment, our
bugging devices picked up a strange screeching sound from the young males
where they placed blame on their sisters. We are still trying to
determine what that means. We have also seen strange consequences with
another form of this candy in liquid form, called Coca-Cola, but we are
still inconclusive in our report at this time.
Many adult humans spend their day behind a new device that has grown
rapidly since our visit, called a computer, which we feel will overcome
the popularity of the television. They have also connected these devices
in large numbers on something called a network, Internet, or web. The
devices are almost as draining on their brains as the television is. Many
unproductive mornings are passed rapidly by these humans as they do a
process called, "catching up on their email", or "surfing the web", where
they often read large passages of text that have either a serious or
humorous nature. During this time, our psychic connections cannot
penetrate their brains, and they seem to completely ignore each other
until about 11am. They only get about 1 hour of work complete at this
time before they leave for a one hour ritual meal, usually eating cow or
chicken creatures. This is followed by 1 hour of sleepy,
unproductiveness, but then is picked up rapidly for about 3 to 5 hours
until they return home. These humans also spend a long time, usually
about 2 to 3 hours, in their land vehicles back and forth to their area
of work, adding another amount of unproductiveness. Within recent months,
we had another research team report that many of these human creatures go
to their shelters once returning from work and continue working on
computer devices again, doing the same thing -- reading email or surfing
the web -- creating another few hours of unproductiveness, largely
ignoring the quest for food or cries from their young. One theory that
this research team postulated was that this lack of attention and care
for their young, along with violent games played on computers, causes
some young to rise up and grow violent in their education shelters,
bringing a violent device called a gun. In one case, called Columbine,
the human young killed several other humans in what is normally a
peaceful atmosphere.
We thought that perhaps by using our psychic powers to implant thoughts
into humans we could advance their species peacefully. The team that
conducted this research bungled this plan, however, by sharing with the
humans the microwave, laser beam, and rap music, rather than what you
intended. As can be easily expected, the humans have since used these
things for violent means.
We realize, most honorable Zof, that you had hoped that the humans could
advance their knowledge of the universe without causing harm. We have
found that the largest seekers of knowledge are funded by violent groups
such as something called the Military, and because of this the human
creatures will always be looking for ways to advance their knowledge in
harmful ways. In some ways, however, we are sympathetic to their cause
because as one group of humans uses technology to push their agenda of
violence, so too does another group of humans, in a never ending battle
of destruction. To put it in the vernacular of the humans, it is a "Catch
22", meaning a situation of which they do not know a resolution.
We have thought that perhaps the resolution to human personal growth
would be to look no farther than the panda, who have so far survived
centuries on the same planet as the humans, but the destructive nature of
humans may cause the panda bear to die out, nullifying its esteemed
position as the highest life form. We will continue our pursuit of this
research by your grace, Zof, and try to understand if the panda bear can
outlive the humans, and how the panda bear has so far lived centuries
around humans without being destroyed, or being destructive, themselves.
We have built a research park in a drained swamp in Florida to try an
analyze human nature in a more peaceful atmosphere, although
unfortunately we have had to allow the humans to kill animals and eat
them in ritual meals from time to time there. Luckily, however, we have
found a way to trick the humans into paying us large sums of their money
to visit this research park so that we can purchase tools from them to
aid our research without having to wait for shipments from Klopps. Please
give our greatest regard to General Waltox Disneyavalata for sharing this
suggestion with us.
Sincerely in your guidance,
M. Mouse
Chief Scientist
Disneyavalata Research Party
Cheers from,
ICE-man /\ Christchurch+ \ | / Mountains, Sunshine
Canterbury / \/\ | /\ -- 0 -- Forestry, Farming
New Zealand~/ \!!ii,,,,_*_/==\--~~~~~~~~~ First to USE 2004!!
... George. . . If it has TITS or TIRES, you gonna have trouble with it!
--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b005 00F90260
* Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)
|