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Skriven 2005-10-23 07:05:14 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: BOOK
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.  o  _   From the Desk of Greg Sears AREA: F-UNNY
. Q\_|_)   --=[ I C E-man's Oldy Goldies Book for ALL ]=--
. T> III                     Page: 19

                   George Carlin Quotes

Ads In Bills

Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your
bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to
stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put
garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds,
banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank you."

Fabric Softener:

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married'
(walk off).  That's how they mark their territory. You can take
off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of
your clothes.

Cripes:

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very
wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.'  For Cripe's sake. Who
would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of
'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in
'Heck'?

Morning Differences:

Men and women are different in the morning.  The men wake up
aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and
we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me
the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you.
We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Pregnancy:

It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say,
'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel
awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone
to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my
god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."

Grandma:

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy
Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your Grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you
wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Reverse Life Cycle:

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life
is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the
end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle
is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way.
Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're
too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty
years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do
drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go
to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the
womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off
as a gleam.

Prisons:

Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house
each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a
few prisoners into my house (I live in Los Angeles). I already
have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room
and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they
don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up
to the generator.

Award Shows:

Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials.  The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of
commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the
whole thing.

Phone-in Polls:

You know those shows where people call in and vote on
different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I
don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're
voting "I don't know."  "Honey, I  feel very strongly about this.
Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW!  (hangs up, looking
proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're
 not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for
$2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."

Answering Machine:

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on
someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out
enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the
day is 'Share the love.'" Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD
clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back.
Stop sharing the love."

... People laughing. . . . makes it noisy in F UNNY #[;-)]

 

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