Text 2871, 118 rader
Skriven 2005-10-23 07:04:32 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
Ärende: BOOK
============
.  o  _   From the Desk of Greg Sears AREA: F-UNNY
. Q\_|_)   --=[ I C E-man's Oldy Goldies Book for ALL ]=--
. T> III                     Page: 18

                          Airline Humor
==========================================================================
 Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
 safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
 have been heard or reported:
==========================================================================

 "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
  but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

 "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
 emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

 "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
 contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing
 of the airplane."

 "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited.  Any person caught smoking in
 the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

 Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
 to switch the seat belt sign off.  Feel free to move about as you wish,
 but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,
 and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

 And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
 you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a
 ride."

 As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front
 of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the
 overhead bins.  The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
 aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the
 cabin during taxiing.  Any passengers not remaining in their seats until
 the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
 strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

 Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising
 altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to
 autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for
 the rest of the flight."

 As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
 lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

 Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
 area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
 children or adults acting like children."

 "As you exit the plane,please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
 Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
 attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

 "Last one off the plane must clean it."

 And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
 some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none
 of them are on this flight...!

 Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
 City:The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
 a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
 the airlines fault, it wasn't the pilots fault, it wasn't the flight
 attendant's fault....  It was the asphalt!"

 Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
 particularly windy and bumpy day.  During the final approach  the Captain
 really had to fight it.  After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
 Attendant came on the PA and announced,   "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome
 to Amarillo.  Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened
 while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
 ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
 terminal."

  After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
 flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:  "Please take care when
 opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
 sure as hell everything has shifted."

 From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
 XXX  to YYY.  To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the
 buckle, and  pull tight.  It works just like every other seatbelt, and if
 you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
 public unsupervised....!!

 In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,oxygen masks will descend
 from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
 face.If you have a small child traveling with you,secure your mask before
 assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with two small children,
 decide now which one you love more.

 Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
 they'll  try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and
 remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
 plane into the runway really hard.  The airline had a policy, which
 required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
 exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline. "He said that
 in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
 the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally
 everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a
 cane.  She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am,"
 said the pilot, "What is it?"  The  little old lady said.....:
 "Did we land or were we shot down....!?"

... People laughing. . . . makes it noisy in F UNNY #[;-)]

 

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
 * Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)