Text 3330, 300 rader
Skriven 2006-01-01 13:28:45 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Repulsively Gross Jokes (yeah, right!)
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From the book "Repulsively Gross Jokes Volume XVI" by Julius Alvin.
A rather overstated title, methinks, but some are a bit funny, so I
copied them out. . .
Q. What's the most common decoration awarded in the French army?
A. The Yellow Heart
-=-
A black man's car broke down on a rural Mississippi highway, and he
decided to head for the next town on foot to get some help. He was
about five miles down the road when a redneck carrying a rifle popped
out from the brush and said, "Hey, coon! Y'all get your hands in the
air."
The black man did as he was told. The redneck came up and said, "Now,
you stand still while I take your money." He reached into a pocket and
got a huge, gap-toothed grin on his face when he found nearly two
hundred dollars in wadded up bills.
The black man pleaded, "Mister, I's carrying that money from the
congregation to the preacher. They's gonna kill me."
The redneck said, "Tell 'em you was robbed."
The black man thought for a moment then said, "They be suspicious. But
I gots an idea." He took off his hat and added, "Would you mind
shooting a holewr two through that hat? Then they'll believe me."
The redneck obliged.
The black man then took off his coat and asked, "How about putting a
couple shots thruogh that?"
The redneck shot it three times
"And how about my vest?"
The redneck said, "Ain't got no more bullets."
Immediately the black man jumped him, wrestled away the rifle, smashed
him over the head, tied him up, took the money back, and headed down the
road.
The redneck looked at him, shook his head, and muttered, "Proves it,
damn straight -- you just can't trust a fucking nigger."
-=-
The thirteen-year-old redneck girl came in nearly an hour late to
school and the teacher said, "Crystal, why are you so late?"
The hillbilly girl said, "I late 'cause my brother needed me."
-=-
Q: Why is eight such an awkward age for a boy?
A: He's too old to suck on his mother's tit and too young to suck on
anyone else's.
They were sitting by the pool when the little boy tugged on his mother's
arm and said, "Mom, I wanna go in the water."
She said, "I gave you permission to go in yhe water five minutes ago."
"I know," the little boy said, "but this time I want to swim."
-=-
Q: How do you knoo you're really old?
A: You can remember when there were championship fights between two
white guys.
-=-
An old codger was sitting on a park bench when he said to his crony,
"Gosh darn it, those women have all the luck when it comes to getting
old."
"What do you mean?"
"Well," the senior citizen replied, "I can barely remember the last time
I was able to get it up in bed. But my wife, she's healthier than
ever."
"How is she healthier?"
"Years ago she used to have these terrible headaches nearly every night
before bed, but now she hasn't had a headache in years."
-=-
Q: What happened to the plastic surgeon whose dick was too small?
A: He decided to hang himself.
-=-
A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and
hassling worshippers as they came in and out. Finally the situation got
so bad that the complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out
and talk to the teenagers.
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went
up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for
you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."
Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy
laws and taking His name."
The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I
swear, I fuck, I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever made."
The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"
The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on
promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."
"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least noe sin you haven't
committed."
"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."
Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church rule against suicide.
Go kill yourself."
-=-
Q: Why did the deaf doctor go into gynecology?
A: Because he could read lips
-=-
The missionary, despite the gravest danger of the loss of his own life,
managed toconvert the cannibal chief to Christianity. One of his first
pastoral functions was to inform the chief that it was against the laws
of his new religion to have five wives.
The chief said, "You sure Jesus said I only can have one wife?"
"That's right," the missionary said, pleased that the chief appeared to
accept the word of the Lord.
The next day the chief ate four of his wives.
-=-
Q: Did you hear about the nymphomaniac cannibal?
A: Every time the tribe ate a missionary, she insisted on the bone.
-=-
Q: What's the horniest animal?
A: The camel -- he can go weeks without water but not a day without a
hump
Q: What goes, "beep, beep," and itches between your legs?
A: a taxi crab
-=-
A trucker walked into a bar outside an army base and shouted, "I just
ran down some kind of animal in the road."
"What did it look like?" the bartender asked.
"It had two stripes."
"Well," the bartender said, "it was either a skunk or a corporal."
-=-
Q: What's a mutton button?
A: A sheep's clitoris.
-=-
The young lady received her bachelor's degree from Yale and her M.B.A.
from Harvard. When she got her first job, her expectations were high,
but three without a promotion nearly destroyed her self confidence. She
was about to quit when her father called her in and said, "You can't
give up. Business is like school -- you have to marshall every resource
you have to get ahead. Go back to work and play to win."
The woman went back to work, and a week later she got herself
transferred to a new division. The results were startling. Three
months after she started, she was named to a managerial position.
Nine months later, she became a regional manager. And just six months
after that, she stopped by her father's house one night and said,
"Daddy, guess what. I wsa in my boss' office today when he told me,
"Julie, I have a surprise fwr you. As of today you're an assistant
vice-president."
Her father exclaimed, "That's terrific. I hope you told him how
grateful you were."
"I tried to," she said, "But he doesn't like it whi n I try to talk with
his dick in my mouth."
-=-
Q: How is a hooker like a psychiatrist?
A: They both work with nuts all day.
-=-
Two women ran into each other in a store. One asked, "How's your love
life? Any better?"
"Much," the second one said, "My niw boyfriend is tall, handsome, and
incredibly romantic. And the best part is, I can even trust him with my
best friend."
"How do you know you can trust him with your best friend?"
"Because," the girl replied, "He's married to her."
-=-
Q: Why are male plants more common than female plants?
A: Female plants only take root when they're in the mood.
Q: What's the perfect gift for that swinging couple who has everything?
A: A bisexual built for two.
-=-
A guy was sitting in a bar when he said to his friend, "How about going
to the ballgame with me tomorrow night?"
"Sorry," the guy said, "The symphony is playing Mozart that night."
"What about Saturday night?"
"The symphony is playing Brahms."
"Sunday?"
"The symphony is playing Tchaikovsky."
"Shit," the first guy said, "I didn't know you loved classical music so
much."
"I hate classical music," the second guy said. "But whenever the
symphony plays, I go over and fuck the conductor's wife."
-=-
Q: What tastes good on a pizza but is disgusting no a woman?
A: Crust
Q: How do you get back at your wife?
A: Dip her vibrator in tabasco sauce.
Q: How long do rednecks cook their meat?
A: Just until the tiremarks disappear.
-=-
A wealthy businessman was chasing a beautiful young secretary in his
office, but she steadfastly refused all his advances. Finally he
cornered her in his office late one night and said, "I'll give anything
to fuck you. Just name it."
The secretary said, "All right. I'll sleep with you if you make sure I
have all thi money I need for the rest of my life."
The businessman thought for a moment, then said, "Okay. I agree. I
promise you'll have all the money you'll need for the rest of your life.
And I'll put it on paper."
He pulled out a pad, wrote down the promise signed it, and gave it to
her. She put it in her purse, took off her clothes, and lay down on the
couch.
He fucked her vigorously. When it was over, he said, "That was so good
I'll give you MORE money than you'll ever need for the rest of your
life."
"That's great," she said.
So he handed her a twenty-dollar bill,then strangled her.
Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
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B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
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