Text 341, 135 rader
Skriven 2004-10-10 10:33:35 av ceri@twmba.net
Ärende: - Hold on to your show tunes pple!!!
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From: Ceri <ceri@twmba.net>
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Hiya you handsome hunks of halibut!!!

... Well this X-posting is a little fishy ... <evil grin>

Rai- wondering if this can be formalised into a social response to bible
bashes...

Someone directed me to this gem from someone's online diary.

Found on http://www.livejournal.com [I've lost the exact url]

Crazy Train or Emotional Subway Attack [Sep. 17th, 2004|12:44 pm]

This morning I had the most bizarre subway ride. I board the Number 3
train at Grand Army Plaza after 9 a.m. Find a seat, then settle into
reading Henry James for class. I hear a woman's voice gradually rising
in volume. She is preaching the "Lord's" word to the train car's sleepy
riders. Of course, I had forgotten the headphones for my subway evil
sounds blocking device. The train stops and starts.
The words denigrating "gay devils" reach my ears. I stand up.

*Me:* "Excuse me, but do you mind keeping your voice down, I am trying
to read."

*Preacher Lady:* (screams) "I got to testify."

Preacher lady hitches up her skirts and tells me that I am going to hell
for interrupting you-know-who's word. Two or three OTHER Christian
ladies on the train start shouting at me and discussing my prospects as
the Devil's prison bitch. The last straw was a 50 something red faced
man in a suit slamming his Bible towards my face.
There was only one thing I could do.

*Me:* "If you all don't lower your voices and cease calling me Satan, I
will have to sing show tunes."

The other straphangers look at me with stony faces.
I begin to sing.
"Its very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year, but forever
and a day..."

Preacher lady and the Jesus police start mumbling and beseeching G_d to
strike me down and boil me in molten tar. (I look better in silver.)
The train reaches Wall Street. Confused subway riders check out the
scene. I begin swaying and feeling the music.

The slamming Bible man looks like he is going to pop a blood vessel. "I
cast ye out, Satan."

I go into jazz dance crouch and then spring up to belt out, "THAAAAAAT
OLD BLACK MAGIC, HAS ME IN A SPELL..."

Bible man has to get off the train as I wriggle and shimmy. "That same
old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine!"

Bible man exits. SHOW TUNES 1, FUNDAMENTALISTS 0.

"So when you walk alone and forlorn, and hear that Cadillac horn
remember, love isn't born, its made...and that's why every window has a
window shade...bad a biddle be bop..."

I try to discuss freedom of religion with the ladies, but all attempts
at reasonable discourse fail.

By 34th street, the last of the Christian word warriors has left the
train. 3 subway riders shake my hand and say, "I have always wanted to
tell those idiots to shut up! Bless you."

I am shaking. I don't know what comes over me at times like this. I only
know that I cannot stay silent. I wish that I had my ukulele with me.

At 42nd street, a woman strides into the car and starts PREACHING. The
entire car bursts into laughter. I interrupt this new preacher lady and
note that she is wearing a flowered straw bonnet.

*Me: *"Excuse me, Ma'am...but I must warn you that there has been a 12
subway stop donnybrook regarding the unwanted intrusion of religious
beliefs into our morning commutes."

*Preacher Lady 2:* "I got freedom of speech! And GOD TELLS ME THAT THE
GAY DEVILS ARE CONTROLLING NEW YORK."

*Me:* (standing up) "If you do not cease and desist fouling the air with
homophobia, I must sing...SHOW TUNES."

There are now 3 or 4 gay men on the train. They start laughing.

*Preacher Lady 2:* "The Lawd says you are going to ..." (litany of
punishments that would be fun with the right person).

*Me:* (sings) "The Girl that I marry will have to be, as soft and as
sweet as a nursery... the girl I call my own, will wear diamonds and laces
and smell of cologne..."

One of the boys on the train starts to harmonize.

Preacher Lady 2 makes her way down the car, pointing and exclaiming, "I
have met the devil right here!"

*Me:* (sings) "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets..."

Dancing around the subway poles and doing my best Gwen Verdon kicks, I
feel the spirit in me.

I close with "Pennies from Heaven" and make sure to get the Jazz Hands
in for good measure.

As Preacher Lady 2 runs to the next car at 72nd Street, the doors open,
a perfect end of song button for my gay pointing gesture.

The subway riders break into applause and I bow. Rock on.

Several straphangers whisper, Happy New Year to me in Hebrew.

An Orthodox lady hands me an orange.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

***************

This was written by K.R. Munson
Copyright 2004
Please give credit when quoting this material.
Please don't steal my stuff.






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