Text 397, 303 rader
Skriven 2004-10-17 11:01:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av GREG SEARS
Ärende: Re: A Story
===================
GS>  GP> What's "electronic imitative deception"?  And what's "call box"?
GS>    > A telephone used for prank calling, you mean?
GS>
GS>   G-day George Pope, for the young, out of country folks.. ~YOU~
GS>                      First question a "phone in the hallway"
GS>                      Second question a ^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^^^^^ ;-)

Oh, I'm sorry, we speak ENGLISH in Canada -- a "phone in the hallway" is simply
called, "a phone in the hallway," and everybody understands each other!

You guys are importing far too much Yankee TV!

GS> I like driving around with my two cats, especially on the freeway. I make
GS> them wear little hats so that I can use the carpool lane. Way too much
GS> time on your hands too? Call me. SWF, 42, 5'10", brown/blue.

I like her!  I want her!  Where's her phone number?

Lots on personal ads. . .


Top Least Used Personals Acronyms
---------------------------------

WSF = "will settle for" ("ISO leggy supermodel; WSF any
vertebrate");

LWM = "live with Mom" ("SM, financially independent --
because I LWM");

BTD = "bore {you} to death" ("SF, enjoy long walks on
beach, and the chance to BTD about my old boyfriend");

PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man" ("You've tried the best
*and* the rest, now try this PEM");

MMP = "married male predator" ("MMP ISO gullible woman to
string along until the sex dries up.");

TSZ = "twelve-step zealot" ("SM, enjoy endlessly obsessing
about my twelve-step program");

CHF = "collect Hummel figures" ("SF, 49, no contact with
the outside world except shopping trips to CHF");

IPH = "impossibly poofy hair" ("SF, 21 ISO SM 18-45 who
enjoys The Mall and my IPH");

ACS = "Active Canker Sores" ("SM, with AKC ISO SF without
same");

PDP = "Pants Dropping President" ("PDP seeks big-haired
minimum wage receptionist to show distinguishing
characterisitcs of member...")

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Translating Personal Ads

Affectionate . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Aging Child . . . . . . . . . . .Self-centered adult.
Ample . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Large.
Assertive . . . . . . . . . . . .Pushy with a mean streak.
Attractive  . . . . . . . . . . .Average and conceited
Average . . . . . . . . . . . . .Below Average
Chatty  . . . . . . . . . . . . .Never shuts up.
Cute  . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ugly
Dynamic . . . . . . . . . . . . .Pushy.
Energetic. . . . . . . . . . . . A Workaholic
Excited About Life's Journey  . .No concept of reality.
Fat and Sassy . . . . . . . . . .Large and loudmouthed.
Financially secure (I am)  . . . Has a job.
Financially secure (you are) . . Rich.
Freedom-loving  . . . . . . . . .Undependable.
Free-Spirited . . . . . . . . . .Crazy and irresponsible.
High-Spirited . . . . . . . . . .Crazy, hyperactive, and throws things.
Huggable  . . . . . . . . . . . .Large.
Humorous  . . . . . . . . . . . .Watches too much TV and never shuts up.
Independent Thinker . . . . . . .Crazy.
Irreverent  . . . . . . . . . . .Mean and lacking basic social skills.
Looking for Mr./Ms Right . . . . .Looking for Mr/Ms Rich.
Moody . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Manic-depressive.
Non-Drinker. . . . . . . . . . . I just finished the 12 step program
Passionate . . . . . . . . . . . REALLY horny.
Petite (I am) . . . . . . . . . .Short.
Petite (you are)  . . . . . . . .Size 2.
Poetic  . . . . . . . . . . . . .Manic-depressive and boring.
Relaxed. . . . . . . . . . . . . Lazy
Romantic . . . . . . . . . . . . Horny.
Self-Employed  . . . . . . . . . Unemployed
Slender . . . . . . . . . . . . .Skinny.
Social Drinker . . . . . . . . . Alcoholic
Soulful . . . . . . . . . . . . .Manic-depressive and quiet.
Svelte  . . . . . . . . . . . . .Anorexic.
Uninhibited . . . . . . . . . . .Lacking basic social skills.
Unpredictable . . . . . . . . . .Manic-depressive and off medication.
Very Human  . . . . . . . . . . .Quasimodo.
Young at Heart  . . . . . . . . .Over 40.
Youthful  . . . . . . . . . . . .Over 50 and in major denial.
Zaftig  . . . . . . . . . . . . .REALLY Large.
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

What they really mean in personal adds.

 CINDERELLA SEEKS PRINCE CHARMING
  Mousy dishwasher seeks a man, any man.

 CIVIL ENGINEER
  Plays with Meccano.

 COLOUR IMMATERIAL
  Sexy black girl sought.

 COLOUR AND APPEARANCE IMMATERIAL
  Sexy black girl with stupendous backside sought.

 COMMITTED
  Possessive. Control Freak.

 COMPANY DIRECTOR, JAGUAR, YACHT, PENTHOUSE, ETC.
  If normal, does not need to advertise.
   Expect: illegal perversions, 3ft 6ins tall, Nazi war criminal, etc.

 COMPUTERS, INTERESTED IN
  People, NOT interested in.

 COUNTRY COTTAGE
  Run-down hovel without main facilities, miles from anywhere.
   Wants cook and housekeeper, without having to pay for it.

 CREATIVE
  Once went to pottery evening classes.

 CUDDLY
  Man: bearded, drinks prodigious quantities of real ale.
   Woman: has six children - breast-feeds them in restaurants.

 PRESENTABLE
  Owns a polyester suit.

 PROFESSIONAL
  Plumber. If genuine Doctor, Attorney, Architect, etc., has unspeakable
   sexual deviations.

 PUBS, INTO
  Man: alcoholic; talks incessantly about soccer and cars.
   Woman: Outmoded dollybird.

 QUIET
  Incredibly dull.

 RADICAL
  On probation for assaulting a cop during a demo.

 RANDY
  Suffers from premature ejaculation; treats women as objects
   (and objects as women).

 RITZY, CHIC, ETC.
  Transvestite. Co-ordinates well, though.

 ROMANTIC
  Woman: Pre-Raphaelite type; totally spaced out.
   Man: behaves like bloody fool; quotes Keats.

 SCIENCE-FICTION FAN
 1) Says things like "phasers activated" when switching on the
 headlights of his car, "ET phone home" before making a phone call
 and "may the force be with you" to total strangers. An embarrassment
 and a bore.
 2) If the genuine article; watch out for little tell-tale signs,
 like the gray skin and the large black eyes. Usually, a date turns
 into an abduction

 SEEKS GIRL/GUY (No specific details)
  Not fussy, as long as it screws

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My dating scene, hasn't been that good -
And I might say it's been bad.
The "Personals", kind of caught my eye -
Guess I'll take me out an ad.

I'll write down things that interest me -
And what I like to do.
They say to look for common interests -
A mate that's just like you.

I thought about the things I like -
Such as my favorite dish.
And how I'm not that big on cooking -
But I sure do like to fish.

I need someone who fishes too -
Or at least has read the book.
What I really need is someone to clean um' -
Peel taters and likes to cook.

Then, of course, another thing -
As I make this list of wishes.
After I've eaten that platter of fish -
They'll need to wash the dishes.

I like to relax in my big ole recliner -
It helps to clear my head.
But I need someone to wake me up -
And send me off to bed.

In the mornings, you can't beat breakfast -
To help your nerves feel steady.
I need me a Lady, who does breakfast too -
And will wake me when it's ready.

Tidiness gets high marks with me -
Not that I'm one to grade.
So, by noontime should be long enough -
To see the beds are made.

I'm pretty athletic, as you might guess -
I can watch football around the clock.
So house cleaning must be a quiet chore -
Not to disturb her in-the-house jock.

We'll work together with the phone -
I can let her screen my calls.
And I'd give her at least, two days a week -
To iron my over-alls.

Even the washing won't have to be rushed -
For these old clothes of mine.
To help her out, I could let her add -
A second clothes hangin' line.

I love the smell of a fresh cut lawn -
Even though mine may not show it.
If I could only find someone -
To send out there and mow it.

And nothing sets off a well-groomed yard -
Like lots of pretty flowers.
It's such a delight, to see them grow -
I could sit and watch for hours.

I'll look for someone who loves flowers too -
Knows fertilizers, and doesn't mind the dirt.
And to keep from planting them, over and over -
A green thumb wouldn't hurt.

Shopping would be another thing -
That I don't mind at all.
A great time for us to interact -
Downtown at the local mall.

What ever we need, she'll be in charge -
Shop that store from front to rear.
And when she's through, I'll be easy to find -
Checking out the new fishin' gear.

Restaurants are no problem either -
To go there, I'd never shout.
Even miles away won't bother me -
When she picks up our Carry-Out.

I hope she'll have a big fine car -
Now wouldn't that be some luck.
Since I can't work, all I've got to drive -
Is this rusty old pick-up truck.

I'll let her do all the driving too -
That's just cause I'm so sweet.
And the back seat driving that I do -
Will always be from the front seat.

I figure I'll be, "Quite The Catch" -
For some young debutante.
Taking me to all those fancy parties -
Her Country Boy she could flaunt.

I got a call just yesterday -
In answer to my ad.
But she sounded a little bit irritated -
Oh heck, she was down right mad.

She said that it would be her guess -
This person would wear a beeper.
"You're not looking for a mate, goof-ball -
You're looking for a KEEPER


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

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