Text 398, 255 rader
Skriven 2004-10-17 11:08:00 av George Pope
Kommentar till en text av GREG SEARS
Ärende: Re: Ha ha
=================
GS> GP> Fair enough, if the medical experts supported it. . .
GS> > HOWEVER, if it were me, if ever the guy ever ate another Twinkie, he
GS> > should be immediately charged with First Degree Murder Attempted,
GS> > because he obviously now knows that this is a reasonable expectation
GS> > of such snack!
GS>
GS> G-day George Pope, now-a-days if/when this joker gets out of the slam, he
GS> and his lawyer will try a law suit on Twinkie! ;-)
Sadly, yes. . .
GS> GP> Hmm. . . 6 years for PRETENDING to fuck a plastic bag!
GS> > What about all those people who really DO fuck plastic bags(okay,
GS> > they're actually made out of latex, and are usually called condoms,
GS> > but still. . . )
GS>
GS> G-day George Pope, maybe it was doing IT on the sidewalk TO the sidewalk
GS> that was the difference.."convicted of gross indecency
But you laid it was for fucking a garbage bag!
GS> GS> Vanuatu, South Pacific - The entire 300-men-strong police force of the
GS> > island nation was arrested after kidnapping a visiting politician from
GS> > Australia and attempting to use the hostage as leverage in a dispute w
GS> > the government concerning overtime pay.
GS>
GS> GP> Okay, this is a bit far-fetched, if the ENTIRE police force was
GS> > arrested, who was left to do the arresting?
GS>
GS> G-day George Pope, easy to follow if you're from down-under! Explains...
GS> "It was the aussie police arrested the Vanuato police!
Holy fuck! You mean the Aussies(a SEPARATE nation) has authority to do
policework in New Zealand(a DIFFERENT SOVEREIGN nation(except for the Queen, of
cwurse!)??
We got Yankee pigs here, but at least they're only in ADVISORY capacity!
Police work, like any other profession, has its own jargon and set of
terms,
and
sometimes there's a slight problem in translating the words from what
they
appear to be saying to what they really mean. In police recruit
training, the
novice is taught literally hundreds of these words and catch phrases
which are
used in all reports. By using this guide, you'll be able to decipher
the TRUE
meaning of some of the most commonly used terms and phrases, should you
ever
have to appear in court.
While on routine patrol...
(As I was driving to the coffee shop.)
He was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner...
(His bumper sticker read "SLOW DOWN - DON'T FEED THE PIGS!")
The accident scene, and the primary concern for the safety of the
victims prevented this officer from doing traffic control...
(It was raining.)
This officer went out-of-service to obtain intelligence information
from a
street informant.
(It was too hot to sit in the car.)
I observed the suspect acting in a suspicious manner...
(The dirt-bag let go with an "Oink" as I walked by.)
Knowing the suspect had a criminal history...
(He puked in my cruiser one night...)
The informant is of known credibility and has provided reliable
information in
the past...
I've got two theft cases hanging over his head.)
While being arrested, this subject resisted and was injured in the
act...
(He ripped my shirt, broke my new mirror sunglasses, and then
attacked my
nightstick)
The motorist was cited for multiple traffic violations...
(I wrote him one ticket for each swear-word)
The motorist appear somewhat agitated...
(I'd told him as he was my 25th ticket that morning, I'd won a
vacuum
cleaner)
Upon announcing my title and purpose, a voice invited me to "Come in",
so this
writer opened the door...
The rock music was so loud they wouldn't have heard a bomb go off
- so I
kicked the door down)
At the scene, the members of the press were offered every courtesy
within
departmental policies...
(I sent them all to a non-existent address which I'd code-named
"The
Command Post")
I gave the motorist a verbal warning for speeding...
(She was a knockout blonde in a micro-mini and she agreed to go
for a
coffee after my shift was over.)
The sergeant appeared at the scene and took command.
(I sent him to the same address as the reporters.)
Further interview of the witnesses was impossible due to conditions...
(Tonight's my bowling night)
The motorist's eyes were glassy, his speech was slurred and smelled
strongly
of
alcohol...
(He was howling at the moon and trying to drive the car from the
back
seat.)
Using only sufficient force to restrain the subject...
(My favorite song is "Dropkick me Jesus Through to Goal Posts of
Life)
The defendant asked this officer's advice on how to act before the
judge at
his
arraignment...
(I told him he didn't have the guts to call the judge the same
name he
called me.)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Marshal Dillon saw a cowboy dunking an old women's head in a
horse trough! The Marshal got upset and went over where this was happening.
"You best stop that, boy!" he warned, "Tain't nice what you're doing
there!"
The cowboy replied, "Mind your own business. This is -MY- mother and
I'll do what I want ..." The cowboy continued to slam the women's head in
the dirty horse trough. Marshal Dillon was getting seriously pissed, "Look
here, boy, I'm gonna have to run you in, you don't stop that!" Fixing the
Marshal with a withering glare, the cowboy replied, "Mind your own damn
business! She's my mother and I'll do what I want!" By this time the
Marshall was very pissed - he hadn't had someone talk to him like that
since he was a wet-behind-the-ears deputy. He started towards the unruly
cowboy, trying to slap the cuffs on him, when the cowboy let go of the
elderly woman and punched the Marshall right between the eyes! As soon as
the stunned Marshal hit the ground, the cowboy jumped on his horse and
galloped out of town.
Marshall Dillon wobbled to his feet and yelled, "Come back here, you
cop-socking mother dunker!"
GS> "I Answered All My Spam"
GS> by Alex Silbajoris, Columbus, Ohio
GS>
GS> I Answered All My Spam
GS>
GS> I never know what I might find,
GS> on any day I go online.
GS> I used to get in quite a huff,
GS> while wading through unwanted stuff.
GS> But then I changed the man I am,
GS> the day I answered all my spam.
Spam, Spam, comes in a can
and elephants come in quarts!
Winner of an Internet Spam Haiku contest:
Pink tender morsel,
Glistening with salty gel.
What the hell is it?
Ears, snouts and innards,
A homogeneous mass.
Pass another slice.
Cube of cold pinkness
Yellow specks of porcine fat.
Give me a fork please.
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat SPAM daily", he says.
Angioplasty.
Highly unnatural,
The tortured shape of this "food".
A small pink coffin.
(Author unknown to me)
****************************************************
An ode to Spam, Wonderful Spam....
Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam - the taste, the smell -
The sacred meat product from Hormel.
(Author unknown to me)
Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)
(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)
... nfx v3.1 What if there were no hypothetical questions?
--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
* Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)
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