Text 3975, 103 rader
Skriven 2006-04-06 14:35:00 av George Pope
Ärende: Election Time When?
===========================
                         Mad's Guaranteed Effective
                         All-Occasion Non-Slanderous
                           Political Smear Speech
                               by Bill Garvin
               -----------------------------
         My fellow  citizens,  it  is an honor and a pleasure to be here
     today.   My  opponent  has  openly  admitted  he  feels an affinity
     toward  your city, but I happen to *like* this area.  It might be a
     salubrious  place  to him, but to me it is one of the nation's most
     delightful garden spots.
         When I  embarked  upon  this political campaign I hoped that it
     could  be  conducted  on a high level and that my opponent would be
     willing  to  stick to the issues.  Unfortunately, he has decided to
     be  tractable  instead--to  indulge  in  unequivocal  language,  to
     eschew  the  use of outright lies in his speeches, and even to make
     repeated veracious statements about me.
         At first,  I  tried  to  ignore  these  scrupulous, unvarnished
     fidelities.   Now  I  do  so  no  longer.   *If my opponent wants a
     fight, he's going to get one!*
         It might  be  instructive  to  start  with  his background.  My
     friends,  have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground
     and  seen  what  was  underneath?  Well,  exploring  my  opponent's
     background  is  dissimilar.  All the slime and filth and corruption
     you  could  possibly  imagine,  even  in  your  wildest dreams, are
     glaringly  nonexistent  in  this  man's  life.  And even during his
     childhood!
         Let us  take a very quick look at that childhood: It is a known
     fact  that,  on  a number of occasions, he emulated older boys at a
     certain  playground.   It  is  also known that his parents not only
     permitted  him to masticate excessively in their presence, but even
     urged  him to do so.  Most explicable of all, this man who poses as
     a  paragon  of  virtue  exacerbated  his own sister while they were
     both teenagers!
         I ask  you, my fellow Americans:  is this the kind of person we
     want in public office to set an example for our youth?
         Of course,  it's  not  surprising  that  he  should have such a
     typically  pristine background--no, not when you consider the other
     members of his family:
         His female  relatives  put  on  a  constant  pose of purity and
     innocence,  and  claim  they are inscrutable, yet every one of them
     has taken part in hortatory activities.
         Them men  in  the  family  are  likewise completely amenable to
     moral suasion.
         My opponent's second cousin is a Mormon.
         His uncle was a flagrant heterosexual.
         His sister,  who has always been obsessed by sects, once worked
     as a proselyte outside a church.
         His father  was  secretly  chagrined  at least a dozen times by
     matters of a pecuniary nature.
         His youngest  brother  wrote  an essay extolling the virtues of
     being a homo sapiens.
         His great-aunt expired from a degenerative disease.
         His nephew subscribes to a phonographic magazine.
         His wife   was  a  thespian  before  their  marriage  and  even
     performed the act in front of paying customers.
         And his  own  mother  had to resign from a women's organization
     in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.
         Now what shall we say of the man himself?
         I can  tell  you in solemn truth that he is the very antithesis
     of  political  radicalism,  economic irresponsibility, and personal
     depravity.    His  own  record  *proves*  that  he  has  frequently
     discountenanced   treasonable,  un-American  philosophies  and  has
     perpetrated many overt acts as well.
         He perambulated his infant son on the street.
         He practiced nepotism with his uncle and first cousin.
         He attempted to interest a 13-year-old girl in philately.
         He participated  in  a  seance  at  a  private residence where,
     among other odd goings-on, there was incense.
         He has  declared  himself  in  favor  of  more  homogeneity  on
     college campuses.
         He has  advocated  social intercourse in mixed company--and has
     taken part in such gatherings himself.
         He has been deliberately averse to crime in our streets.
         He has  urged  our  Protestant  and  Jewish citizens to develop
     more catholic tastes.
         Last summer  he  committed a piscatorial act on a boat that was
     flying the American flag.
         Finally, at  a  time  when  we must be on our guard against all
     foreign  isms,  he  has cooly announced his belief in altruism--and
     his  fervent  hope  that  some  day  this  entire  nation  will  be
     altruistic!
         I beg  you,  my friends, to oppose this man whose life and work
     and  ideas  are so openly and avowedly compatible with our American
     way  of  life.  A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation
     of everything we hold dear.
         The facts are clear; the record speaks for itself.
         Do your duty.

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