Text 4126, 414 rader
Skriven 2006-05-05 09:05:36 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: You Smell Good
==========================
     -=> 02-May-2006 22:12, George Pope wrote in a message to all <=-

 GP> From:    Marianne E Rantz (via UGA HUMOR listserv)
   > Subject: You Smell Good... [Adult Language]

Muscle building may be alright, but just don't let it go to your head.

People who live in glass houses should not forget to pull the shades.

  In this, the last decade of the 1900's, Quaker Oats eliminated Aunt
Jemima!

All things come to those...who get on a mailing list.

Three important words of advice to be remembered - Don't give any!

When you get right down to it, in the long run a short cut seldom is.

A little of a good thing can go a long way, like for example, garlic.

Why hasn't TV come up with a popular show like "What's My Disease?"

Lots of folks live without working and even more work without living.

It seems to be a salubrious verisimilitude that fish are squamous.

  Oral Contraception: He asked this girl to sleep with him and she said
no.

Never shake hands with the operator of a chain saw when he is working.

Most often the correct thing to say to most people is nothing.

There is one sin that is unforgivable, and that is to be unforgiving.

Main problem with today's youth - only kids have it.

Salmon Rushdie, a man with a real need for a change-of-address card set.

  How does Dr. Ruth actually know when she is getting an obscene phone
call?

The great trouble with winter is that it is a recurring ailment.

Everything in life is somewhere else and you get there by car.

Water really has no value....until the well runs dry.

Television was better when it was radio. Now, two senses are offended.

Sampson's Secret: Hair and Steroids...

Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.

Retirement is when you have everything to do on your own time.

  Childhood is a glorious time. You can lose weight simply by taking a
bath.

Oliver North is a prolific producer of terminological inexactitudes.

Often enough, television is just one vacuum tube watching another.

If you don't know what you want, go to an antique shop - they've got it.

If apathy doesn't bother me, I won't bother it.

Question: When a cemetery dies, who buries it?

If you wait long enough, everything will come to you.  It's called hash.

The person who hesitates ends up at the end of the line.

Don't say no to indifference, just ignore it and it will go away.

Graffiti is a language people who use public places seem to speak.

I am not paranoid, but I think that most everyone else is.

When cigarettes are outlawed, only outlaws will cough.

If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for mountain climbing.

Few things are less enjoyable than being old enough to know better.

  A dull summer evening can be eliminated by one little ole hungry
mosquito!

  People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as
rumor!

Many joggers are simply pedestrians too fearful to walk.

Progress results when you mix persistence with purpose.

If you can't boil water, you can't grow zucchini.

Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition!

Make the most of the best and the least of the worst.

The lecture the doctor gives you on your weight is called a diatribe.


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

  Execute each act of your life as though it were your last, and in the
end, you will be correct.

  When it comes to obscene phone calls, it's difficult to beat a wrong
number between 1 and 4 A.M.

  God made the world in six days, rested one and then started answering
the complaints.

  God has a way of getting even, He allows 7 Bowl games to be played on
the same day.

Wearing a dress was Phil Donahue's way of dethroning Oprah Winfrey as
Queen of the Talk Shows.

  There is one difference between the taxidermist and the tax collector.
The first leaves the hide, the second doesn't.

  Define Your Terms Department: A slight tax increase ($ 300.00 per
person).
A Substantial Tax Cut ($ .30).

National Needs Department: What this nation dearly needs is a tax system
which looks like it was designed for some purpose other than robbery.

Yasser Arafat was refused entry into New York because there are no
current openings for convenience store managers.

Jimmy Swaggart says let those Catholics have their silly bingo. He is
into stud poker!

There is but one known way to balance the Federal Budget. It is done by
lengthening the holidays of the legislators and shortening the sessions.

One of the things the world needs today is a bank that shows just a bit
more appreciation when your account is underdrawn.

If you hide your generic food cans at the bottom of the garbage can, you
can legitimately be called a snob.

You know your jeans are too tight, if it takes pliers to get to your
wallet.

In any closet, you can find it, if it is too small, or out of style, or
there is just one of it where there should be two.

Children solidify marriages by allowing that the parents now have
someone else to blame it on!

  Things would go far better in this world if we had the courage to face
the fact that other nations have the ability to handle their own
affairs!

  Sometimes you can complain about the food to the chef, but it seems
rather futile to kick the vending machine!

  You are getting old if you can remember when you could tell what was
in the breakfast cereal by the taste of it!

Ah, the joys of deregulation. Now it takes an attorney to figure out
your telephone bill.

I last saw Elvis at the K-Mart, where he was selling the blue suede
special.

There are lots of folks who wouldn't trust Jim Bakker with even so much
as the sole of their shoe.

I went to a Catholic school where the kids were so tough the nun taught
us art and how to draw composite sketches.

You know you are not well when your greatest secret desire is to appear
on a rerun of the Gong Show.

  Everybody has to be somebody to someone, somewhere, sometime, so that
they can be anybody to anyone at anytime.

This last Presidential election was something like the sex life of many
people. They had to settle for what they could get.

Since I went to school the Sisters who teach there are not nearly as
strict. Amnesty International got after them.

Three ways to get the word out and about; telegraph, telegram and tell
someone a secret.

People dislike one word occupational titles. This is why Yuppies don't
like or have children, the title is one word; Mommy or Daddy.

New American Prayer: God bless mommy and daddy and President George
Bush, for at least as long as Dan Quayle is Vice President.

  Studies of studies seem to confirm what we already suspected. There
needs to be more studies of studies to find out what to do with them.

People continue to say that God made New Jersey. The problem is that it
did not pass quality control.

  The real erosion of civilization as we knew it started with the
popularity of the self-service gas pump.

When a body meets a body, it helps if both of them have read through one
or more times the pamphlet sent to them by Everett Koop.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away and does wonders for the fruit
grower too.

He who spends five dollars for entertainment on a truck stop parking
lot is apt to get far more than he paid for...

What this country needs is a good five cent cigar that sells for a
nickel and smells more expensive. This is not what we got right now.

When push comes to shove, you know you are in a garage sale, if there is
no blue light whizzing around.

He who lies down with dogs probably has a wife who keeps seven or more
cats in the bedroom.

  To be known as prudent, reserve a few things to be done outdoors for
days when the weather will not permit these activities.

  It takes someone with the intelligence of a vending machine to argue
with one.

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you don't floss, the
dentist will get you!

You know that the day is not off to a good start when someone tells you
that your unimportance is only matched by your truly great
insignificance.

  Two people were born in Indiana, one went off to sea and the other
became the Vice President of the United States.  Neither was heard from
again.

It is not good to try to lead people by hitting them over the head, but
for some few, having a bat handy is helpful, just in case.

The difference between a cow chewing its cud and someone chewing bubble
gum is that the cow has better manners than to blow bubbles with its
cud.

Three of the most frightening alarms we can hear are fire, burglar, and
wake up.

Some folks say honesty is the best policy, while others say keeping your
mouth shut is even better.

The sportsmanship of hunting depends upon whether your are the hunter or
the hunted.

The statistical probability of being a good husband is equal to that of
finding a gorilla with real talent for playing the harp.

It is of some small consolation for you to know that we have survived
every President the electorate has thrust upon us.

Some people vote in elections only to establish eligibility to complain
about who got elected.

After seeing Oliver North on television, you can readily understand
why the Marines need a few good men.

It really doesn't matter who is President. They all end up sitting in
the Oval Office, sticking pins in a Dan Rather doll.

The real curse of sin can be understood by imagining that you are on
an island with just one other person --- Morton Downey.

There are so many bugs in our embassy in Moscow it is time for us to
send over a new ambassador - the Orkin man.

One of the few safe predictions for l989. People will die this year
that never died before.

Playing the lottery, especially when there is a large pot, does not of
itself improve your chances of winning.

It is not considered a good omen if, after inspecting your plumbing
problem, the plumber asks if you own your own home, free and clear.

If it isn't what you thought it was, it is likely not going to be what
you think you are going to make it be.

I only wish that I were what I was when I wished that I would be what I
am now.

  Anyone can write on the walls but it takes inventiveness to skywrite
with an air hose.

You have not made the best impression when the funeral director invites
you to come to a wake, so that the feeling of grief may be augmented.

If you want to be popular, ask a lot of people for advice. If you want
to be wise, ignore the advice.

Between lost baggage and canceled flights, and connections made on the
run, one wonders how they arrived at the phrase "getting there is half
the fun."

As I have said often enough before, I never repeat myself, and so it
almost goes without saying that I won't repeat myself again.

People ought to leave Jimmy Swaggart alone.  On the other hand, Jimmy
Swaggart ought to leave people alone.  Or something like that...

Never trust a neuro-micro surgeon whose favorite and most often repeated
expression is "Whoops!"

If you have nothing worth while to say, don't open your mouth, and
people won't see the sawdust.

If you have never failed, you probably will not succeed, because even if
you do, you won't know it.

If you don't expect anything, it is quite likely that your anticipation
will reach fulfillment, and you will get nothing.

It is much harder to accomplish something when you set out to do it
without any idea of what it is you want to do.

Never put great value in what you are not, and do not put little value
in what you are.

You know your child is not too smart when during the school period, roll
call is taken and the child is stuck for an answer.

You know you are overweight when you get on a talking scales in the Mall
and it says "One at a time, please."

Televangelist: A person in contact with God, but upset with God because
God does not listen and straighten things out.

The one most important rule for writers is to be sure to reread anything
they have written to be sure that they have not by accident a word out.

If you meet a man who tells you that his favorite food is barbecued
garlic cloves, you are talking to what is basically a very lonely man.

The world would really benefit from a device which prevents people
calling your home when you are on the throne...

No wonder there is water pollution.  Everyday, some 300 million bottles
of Coca Cola are drunk by people around the world.

In this age of technology, it takes a lot of time to decide what to do
with all of the time we have saved.

There is no limit to the work I can do and produce, if it is not the
work to which I am assigned, or the work I must get done.

Consider your life dull if you happen to be in three airports in the
same month.

Beware when in the company of yourself since you are a practicing
homosapien.

Things You Need to Know Department: Each year, some 200 or more people
die while watching televised football games.

Never underestimate the power of tinkering. If you tinker with something
long enough, it can be broken.

During the summer, lots of young boys go through a great deal trying to
prove that it actually IS suntan, and NOT dirt!


> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

Those commercials about weight loss you see on television must be true.
I heard about one lady who lost 187 pounds of ugly fat.  How long did it
take? Well, the divorce was finalized just two days before the program.

The last time I went to a theater, I saw the movie under the worst
possible conditions - the film was running.  It's one of those few times
I really did envy my feet - they were asleep.

If you feel bad because you feel good and know that you will feel worse
if you feel better, you are fairly well sure you are a hypochondriac.
If you feel good because you feel bad and know you will feel better
if you feel worse, you are a  cairdnohcopyh, because you are doing
things backwards.

The less time there is to fulfill a given demand, the greater the demand
and the longer it will take to fulfill, and when you are finished, you
will have done the wrong thing.

The most recent pool shows that 74% of the voters think that 86% of the
polls are inaccurate 59% of the time - plus or minus three percentage
points.

The traditional two minute warning in games is given so that you can put
the food in the microwave and finish cooking it just about the time the
game is completed.


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