Text 4298, 130 rader
Skriven 2006-05-27 07:52:46 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av Nathan Prugh
Ärende: Re: 99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
======================================
       Nathan Prugh was entering F unny stuff to  All  

 NP>                    99 Bugs in the Monitor Now
   >                (to 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall)
   >          by Albert Corda, Richard Holmes & David Kinder


        AN UNCONSCIOUS MONKEY

  Well,the world is full of strange delights,there you are sitting under
a tree, enjoying the fresh air, and purveying up cows bums when suddenly
a monkey falls out of a tree.  Nope it's NOT dead, its' just been
listening to the queens Christmas speech, and did what any decent
sentient being would do.  Fall unconscious!  Now you've got your
unconscious monkey!  But what can you do with it?  Read on...

1: First of all you can dance erotically with it, pretending it is Kim
Basinger or Thora Hird.  This is comes to and starts to struggle,
because then you can pretend you are a rapist trying to rape your
selected female (eg. Beril Reid).

2: Throw it around the room singing the coco pops theme tune very
loudly, and when it wakes up, beat it back into unconsciousness with a
can of tenants pilsner, then you can have another go.  Play this with
your friends and you can time each other.  The fastest to wake it up
receives a lobotomy.

3: While it is still unconscious, staple it to the ceiling by its arse
and have a good laugh when it wakes up and releases what  happened.
Video it so you can watch it again and again, and possibly send it into
You've Been Framed for the whole U.K. to laugh at.  (and win yourself
250 quid)

4: Shove a large stick up its arse (giving it a knockout injection
first) and sell it to Walls Ice Cream as a new concept for an ice
lolly.  You could call it, "Monkey rectum", or something similar.

5: Stare at it, pretending it's a television and when it wakes up, call
it a clockwork mouse from South Korea and it should rake your eyes out,
now that your eyes have been raked out, you can use them as fake
pickles, put them in a jar and keep quiet until your mates have eaten
them.  Then tell them.  This is an effective method of either losing
friends or committing suicide.

6: Use it as a dimension transporter.  Hug it tightly and chant, "Button
moon is my fave TV programme".  This should then transport you to
dimension wibblefong.  If that doesn't work then it will transport you
to the home for the mentally deranged.  Guaranteed.

7: Shout as loudly as possible, "MY NAME IS BOB CHUNKYBOXERS AND I'M A
GAY BASTARD!", while fondling your monkeys bullocks and using a sink
plunger to attempt to give yourself a blow job.

8: Ever had problems thinking of something to give your mum for her
birthday or Christmas.  Well worry no longer, simply give her the monkey
on the end of a large stick and label it as an organic mop.  And if she
isn't delighted with that then I'm afraid that your mum is insane and
should try to use the monkey as a dimension transporter to get to where
she belongs.

9: Give it to your kid brother/nephew/ son as a cuddly toy and hope that
the bloody thing will wake up in the morning and kill the little twat!
One advantage of using this method is that if you keep your monkey in
the room with the child and don't feed it, it should eat the child and
therefore disposing of the body and saving you a lot of trouble.

10: You can also do some medical research with your unconscious monkey.
Simply shag it while its unconscious, then it should get pregnant.  Thus
it should have babies, and you can then see what a cross-breed of humans
and monkeys looks like.  Besides its lot of fun shagging it.

  Or if that isn't your style,and just for safety's sake you want it
dead, here's how you can kill the little twat.

1: Wire it to the mains and watch it fry while singing the polish
national anthem.

2: Put a Jason Donovan mask on it and lock it in a room full of 8 year
old girls.

3: Put a Justin Scharvonka mask on it and lock it in a room full of
musicians.

4: Cut it to pieces with a chainsaw and use the bits of monkey flesh to
make a nice, tasty monkey casserole. Yum!  You can also use the hair to
make a nice monkey fur hat!

5: Use it to wipe up severely concentrated acid spills and then dry the
acid off it using a furnace.  Of course it will then need washing so
place it in a washing machine and put it on, "F***ing stupidly high
speed".

6: Nothing of course works better than a tactical nuclear missile.
Simply throw the tactical missile in its rough direction.  The monkey
should die in the blast.  Drawbacks: It should kill you as well, and the
people within 100 miles will suffer mutations for a few generations.
But, its worth it isn't it.

7: Lock it in a room with Derek Jameson for 4 hours.  If that doesn't do
the trick, I can honestly say that nothing will.

8: Rip its head off while eating McVities Hob-Nobs and watching a
documentary about the mating habits of Cuban Stag-beetles.

9: Swing it around your head 30 times and place an apple up its rectum.
Then place it in a cardboard box and launch it to Mars and just to make
sure that it will die, keep the windows open on the spaceship so the
monkey explodes as soon as it goes out of the atmosphere.

10: Eat it along with some nice raspberry ripple ice-cream.

  And there you have it.  In the presence of an unconscious monkey
boredom is a thing of the past,and besides, even if you don't like
having an unconscious monkey, you can always sell it to a zoo and make
pots of money.

  I rather like the idea of cutting its head off, dressing it up as the
pope, making it shag mother Theresa, and then taking a photo of it to
flog to Benetton to advertise jumpers.



... >             ooo
... >            c| |
... >   __m_00_m__|_|__  Cheers, I C E-man

... >                     --spying with free beer at the wall for ALL.

--- EzyBlueWave V2.01b006 00F90257
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