Text 4343, 236 rader
Skriven 2006-05-29 01:18:28 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: As I Mature. . .
============================
 GS>  George Pope, Have you read this one. . . .  HOW TO COMBAT FAST
   >
   > Yes, an easy no nonsense guide to shitting on FAST and saving yourself
   > from nasty fines and possible jail sentences.
   >
   > 1) Do not pirate games - Yes, this method will save you umpteen hassles
   >    should FAST appear in your doorway, but will cost you more buying all
   >    the games.


      George Pope was entering F unny stuff to  Greg Sears  


 GP> WTF is "FAST"??

     Sounds like the law to me...............................

 GP> MAN ARRESTED FOR VIOLATING LOCAL SPEED-OF-LIGHT ORDINANCE

OR
       MOTOR ACCIDENT CLAIM FORM EXCUSES


  These are genuine extracts from motor accident claim forms received by
a large insurance office in London.


01 - The accident was due to the other man narrowly missing me.

02 - the Lorry halted and worked for the Corporation.

03 - I collided with a stationary tramcar coming in the opposite
     direction.

04 - The occupants were stalking dear on the hillside.

05 - I left my Austin 7 outside, but when I came out later, to my
     amazement, there was an Austin 12.

06 - To avoid collision I ran into the other car.

07 - There were plenty of lookers-on but no witnesses.

08 - The water in my radiator accidentally froze at 12 midnight.

09 - Car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible
     lorry.

10 - I was scraping my near side on the bank when the accident happened.

11 - After the accident a working gentleman offered to be a witness in
     my favor.

12 - I collided with a stationary tree.

13 - There was no damage done to the car as the gate post will testify.

14 - Accident was due to the road bending.

15 - The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman, but it would be
     more correct to call him a garage proprietor.

16 - The other man altered his mind and I had to run into him.

17 - Ice on the road applied brakes causing skid.

18 - I told the idiot what he was and went on.

19 - One wheel went into the ditch. My foot jumped from the brake to
     accelerator pedal, leapt across the road to the other side and
     jumped into the trunk of a tree.

20 - I remember nothing after passing the Crown Hotel until I came to
     and saw PC Brown.

21 - A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him because he
     gored my car.

22 - A cow wandered into my car, I was afterwards informed that the cow
     was half-witted.

23 - She suddenly saw me, lost her head and we met.

24 - I was taking a friend home and  keeping two yards from each lamp
     post which were in a straight line.  Unfortunately there was a bend
     in the road bringing the right hand lamp post in line with the
     other and of course I landed in the ditch.

25 - If the other driver had stopped a few yards behind himself, it
     would not have happened.

26 - I bumped into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

27 - I bumped into a lamp post which was obscured by human beings.

28 - I heard a horn blow and was struck violently in the back.
     Evidently a lady was trying to pass me.

29 - I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

30 - Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
     haven't got.

31 - Three women were all talking to each other, and when she stepped
     back and one stepped forward I had to have an accident.

32 - I can't give details of the accident as I was somewhat concussed at
     the time.

33 - Wilful damage to the upholstery was done by rats.

34 - A pedestrian hit and went underneath my car.

35 - I blew my horn but it would not work as it was stolen.

36 - A lamp post bumped into my car, damaging it in two places.

37 - My car was stolen and I set up a human cry, but it has not been
     recovered.

38 - The car in front stopped suddenly and I crashed gently into its
     luggage grid.

39 - I left my car unattended for a minute, and whether by accident or
     design it ran away.

40 - The other car collided with me, without giving warning of his
     intention.

41 - I unfortunately ran over the pedestrian and the old gentleman was
     taken to hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

42 - On entering Wales I blew my horn at the left hand corner.

43 - I thought the side window was down but it was up as I found out
     when I put my head through it.

44 - I considered neither vehicle was to blame, but if either was to
     blame it was the other one.

45 - I was proceeding along the road at a moderate speed when another
     car rushed out of a side turning and turned upside down in a ditch.
     It was his fault as he said.

46 - I knocked over the man, he admitted it was his fault, as he had
     been knocked down before.

47 - I looked for the sign but the more I looked the more I couldn't
     find it.
     

> OBQ's & Q's: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant


 Q. How many Conservative MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
A1. None.  Reasons - What's a light bulb? That's a bit technical.
A2. Lightbulb? Who needs street lighting? Waste of money that could be
    much better redistributed to the rich in tax-cuts.

Q. Why does an alligator has a red eyes?
A. 'Cause it's useful when you're hidin' in tomato plantation!

Q. Why do arts students leave their curtains shut in the morning?
A. To give them something to do in the afternoon.

Q. What looks like an apple, smells like an apple, feels like an apple
   and tastes like an apple?
A. An apple!

Q. What's black and sits on a tree?
A. A ranger after a forest fire.

Q. What's red and sits next to him ?
A. His deputy, still glowing.

Q. What's black and has 2 legs ?
A. A blackbird

Q. What's black and has 4 legs ?
A. Two blackbirds

Q. What's black and has 6 legs?
A. A fly.

Q. What's got four legs and one arm?
A. A pit bull terrier.

Q. How do you know all jelly babies are illegitimate ?
A. If you turn the packet upside down all the little bastards fall out!

Q. What do you call a green Kangaroo with no fur!
A. A frog!

Q. What do you call a Russian with three testicles?
A. Oudja Nickabolokov!

Q. Why do the French plant trees along the sides of their roads ?
A. So that the Germans can march in the shade.

Q. What's red and has fourteen hands stuck to it?
A. The space shuttle fire extinguisher!

Q. How can you tell that ET is a young conservative?
A. Because he looks like one.

Q. What has got 100 pounds and a spare collar?
A. An (ex-) pit bull owner.

Q. What do you do if a bird craps on your car?
A. Don't take her out again!

Q. How may gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four.  One to change the light bulb, and three to change the decor to
   match.

Q. Did you hear about the Irishman who was asked to be a Jehova's
   witness?
A. He refused because he hadn't seen the crash.

Q. Did you hear about the queer burglar?
A. He couldn't blow the safe so he went down on the elevator.

Q. Did you hear about the Gay burglar.
A. He did take anything, just re-arranged the furniture and put a quiche
   in the oven.



... >             ooo
... >            c| |
... >   __m_00_m__|_|__  Cheers, I C E-man

... >                     --spying with free beer at the wall for ALL.

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 * Origin: Afraid of the competition? We ARE the Competition! (3:633/104)