Text 4415, 167 rader
Skriven 2006-06-06 08:57:30 av Greg Sears (3:633/104)
     Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Some stories
========================
       George Pope was entering F unny stuff to  Greg Sears  

 GP> Life dumps shit on me, so I started a mushroom empire!

       S M E L L Y   F A R T S

Some people naturally let rip with smelly farts but in general your
farts are smelly depending upon the food that you eat.  We'll take a
look at the foods that get you pumping smelly farts;

1. BAKED BEANS: Its a scientific fact that beans make you fart.  A
scientist in the U.S.A. has developed a fart free bean but as yet this
hasn't gone into widespread distribution and none of the food companies
are using this bean.

2. DONAR KEBAB: A mass of tasty fat and grease.  Very bad for your heart
but very good for your farts!

3. CURRIES: Anything hot and spicy is ideal for smelly farts.

4. MEAT: Meat is very good for smelly farts.  Fish and Chicken don't
work so well but most other forms of meat are great for smelly farts but
it depends upon how they're cooked.

Eat moderate amounts of any of these foods and you'll be letting rip
with some right mankey smells.

     U N S M E L L Y   F A R T S

Well this is very tricky, no matter what you eat, even if you're a
vegetarian, you're farts will always be smelly but at the end of the day
it depends on our own digestive systems.  Unless you eat nothing but
fruit, milk, bread, sweets, cakes and certain vegetables (not mushrooms
or beans) then you're farts will be smelly.

         C O N C L U S I O N

Flatulation is a part of our everyday lives but after this detailed and
graphic guide you should be able to fart how you please.


 GP> As George Carlin says, "I'd rather be told to 'have a nice day' by
   > someone who doesn't mean it than be told to 'fuck off and die' by
   > someone who DOES!"

         C L I C H E S


To make a long story short, there's some things I want to get off my
chest. In this day and age, you can't beat around the bush and sit
around on the fence once things start getting heavy.  You've got to get
on the ball, and find out what's going on under your very nose, whether
its good, bad or indifferent.

Now I'm not one to give a dog a bad name but it goes without saying, you
know who is conspicuous by his absence here today, even though I bent
over backwards and explored every avenue to beat a pathway to his door,
but I was  doomed to disappointment from the outset.

I hear on the grapevine he was hell bent on giving it a miss, because he
didn't want to face the music.

Well I wish him all the luck in the world but when you get right down to
it, this country should be going ahead by leaps and bounds, but, sad to
say, he is a millstone around our necks.

So in conclusion... last but no means least, ladies and gentlemen, one
and all, all the ball is in his court, as they say, if you know what I
mean.


> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant

FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
 1.  CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend
              herself.
 2.  CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
 3.  DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
 4.  FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
 5.  GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
 6.  GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
 7.  HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
 8.  IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
 9.  ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.
10.  SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
11.  SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."
12.  TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
13.  WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road
                     trip.
14.  WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight

> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")

Rodney Dangerfield:

* I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy... I'd have had nothing
to play with.

* A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's
home." I went over. Nobody was home.

* It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

* I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

* I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
radio.

* I was such an ugly baby... My mother never breast-fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.

* I'm so ugly... My father carried around a picture of a kid that came
with his wallet.

* When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

* I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was born.

* I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

* Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,
"I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide"

* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

* I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big
I'd get.

* I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He
said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

* I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

* With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite
in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

* Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a
pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper
four times - three of those times I was reading it.

* One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.

* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.

* I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!



Cheers,
.            o      _      _          _ From the
.   _o      /\_    _ \o   (@)\__/o   (@)      I C E-man
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.(@)>(@)  (@)         (@)    (@)     (@)'  _\o_ OUCH!

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