Text 4471, 84 rader
Skriven 2006-06-17 20:53:10 av George Pope (1:153/715.1275)
Ärende: Dad 2/10
================
 Hi, all you desparate fathers.  I'm a teenage daughter, and so are a
 lot of my friends.  And most of us have had boyfriends.  And most of
 our boyfriends have had to deal with fathers.  Well, I understand your
 plight, and have thus compiled a list of ways to get rid of your
 daughter's (sister's, mother's, etc.) boyfriend (Dad, if you're reading
 this, just remember that I wrote this list--I know all these, so don't
 even think about it).

        You start by inviting the poor, unsuspecting boyfriend over for
 dinner.  You'll want to do this on a night when your daughter has some
 other plans and won't be home.  Tell him you'd like to get to know him,
 and you'll be VERY DISAPPOINTED if he doesn't come.  Then, the fun
 starts...

 1)  Make sure you have plenty of disposable gloves (the icky rubber
 surgical type).  Put 10 or 20 in a pile on the porch floor.  Put
 another in your pocket.  When he comes in, take the glove out of your
 pocket and put it on.  Shake his hand.  Then take the glove off and
 drop it in the pile.

 2)  Show him around the house.  Make sure The Bathroom is on the
 itinerary.  Have three towels on your towel rack:  "His", "Hers", and
 "Its" (or "Harry's", "Sally's", and "Its";  whatever).  Tell him the
 "Its" is the one he is to use.

 3)  Serve soup.  Don't give him a spoon.  When (and if) he asks for
 one, give him a soup ladel.  If he slurps (with or without the ladel)
 or tries to soak up the soup with bread (since he doesn't have a
 spoon), shoot him a really disgusted look.

 4)  Tell him you know about his "little secret".  Tell him the secret
 is safe with you and to feel free to talk to you about it if he wants
 to. Then, watch him squirm as he tries to figure out exactly what it is
 that you know about him.

 5)  Keep a framed picture of your daughter and her old boyfriend on the
 dining room (or kitchen, or whatever) table.  Spend most of the meal
 singing the old boyfriend's praises (with your mouth full, of course).

 6)  Leave a set of false teeth in a glass on the table.

 7)  Ask him to please take very good care of your daughter.  Explain
 that she hasn't been quite the same since "the incident".  Exchange a
 'signifacant look' with your spouse as you say these two words.

 8)  Ask him if he ever watches "America's Most Wanted".  He's sure to
 ask you why you ask.  When he does, get really defensive:  "No
 reason...no reason at all.  I was just making conversation, that's all.
 Why did you think I asked?  Do I look like a criminal or something?
 (insert nervous laugh here)  Why, that's nonsense.  I've never broken
 the law in my life.  Never.  What makes you think such a thing?"  Then
 resume the meal as if nothing happened.  If he brings it up later in
 the meal, ask him what in the world he's talking about, and look at him
 like he's crazy.

 9)  Before he arrives, remove the table from the dining room (or
 kitchen, or wherever).  Set the plates, glasses, etc. on the floor.
 Tell him your family doesn't believe in using tables, and hasn't for
 generations.  As a matter of fact, you usually just put the food
 directly on the floor, but are using plates (or bowls, or whatever)
 because this is a special occasion.

 10)  Serve something with meat in it.  Before eating, say a prayer for
 the soul of the animal.  Explain to the boyfriend that  "Hermie was a
 good friend to me.  I know that, wherever he is, he forgives me for
 losing my temper..."

Copyright Trudy Gillingham <tgilling@beothuk.swgc.mun.ca>, 1995



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