Text 4610, 96 rader
Skriven 2006-08-13 14:44:00 av Greg Sears
Ärende: A Notice
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   T O O T H P A S T E   A B U S E  T H E   H I D D E N   M E N A C E


First it was Crazy Horses, then it was Donny, Marie and little Jimmy.
Now its emerged that those satin sequined hipsters known as the Osmands
left us with some thing far more terrifying than anything their parents
could come up with - a new menace that is threatening to become the
scourge of Britain's youngsters.  Toothpaste abuse.

           R E S E A R C H

New Research has indicated that in the first few months of 1994,
toothpaste abuse has once again reared it's minty head to epidemic
proportions.

               H I G H

The research also indicates that toothpaste or "Minty" or "M" to give it
it's street name, has now overtaken Ecstasy as the number one high for
Britain's young.

             H O W - D O

I travelled into Bristol's notorious St. Pauls district where we
contacted a youngster who took us to a "Brush Den" where up to thirty
youngsters openly scrubbed away at their molars and pre-molars, a
sickening practice known as "Chasing the Fluoride".

             W A T C H A

One fourteen year old who was foaming at the mouth and obviously in a
state of complete oral cleanliness told us of how an innocent browse
through his sister's record collection had turned him on to toothpaste.

"Well, it was a Tuesday and I had been off school with a heavy cold"
admitted Ben.

"I'd had four wanks over the catalogue underwear section so I was at a
bit of a loss for something to do so I began to look through our Janet's
old records, and came across an Osmands album."

               L A R K

Anyway, it was half way through "Crazy Horses" that for a bit of a lark
I decided to do a Malcolm McClaren and scratch the record to and fro.
It was then I heard the subliminal message.  It went something like -
"Crazy Horses in the air, they just-keep on truckin' man they're
everywhere, scrub your teeth until their bright, scrub your teeth to be
in league with the dark one".

            S P A R R O W

At this point "Ben" had to return to his frothy corner for another hit
of "The White Death".

          B L A C K B I R D

Astonishingly, toothpaste manufacturers are aware that their products
have addictive powers.  A spokesman admitted "Yes it's true.  Recent
clinical tests have proved that calcium plays a vital role with fluoride
in strengthening the teeth both during brushing and for periods
afterwards."

     N A O M I   C A M P B E L L

Meanwhile a spokesman for EMI Records refused to comment on the
allegation that at the age of 13, Jimmy Osmand was found guilty of
possessing a stupid pudding basin haircut and a face that most people
would find hard to stop punching.

    T E L L   T A L E   S I G N S

Abusers often have a white ring of a powdery substance at the corner of
their mouths.

Look out for the large numbers of empty toothpaste tubes under the bed -
or pictures of Donny or Meryl on their bedroom walls.

An abuser will often seem lifeless and lethargic only perking up when a
toothpaste ad comes on the telly.

Abusers spend long periods of time in the bathroom with the tap running.

Though, on second thoughts, that one could be them just having a crafty
wank.

Cheers from,
  ICE-man      /\ Christchurch+          \ | /  Mountains, Sunshine
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