Text 483, 224 rader
Skriven 2004-10-23 21:31:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av CINDY HAGLUND
Ärende: Dick tater
==================
CH>  GP> Women have all the REAL power in the world for one reason & one reason
CH>  GP> only: SEX.
CH>
CH>  Oh. I thought it was food.

Nah, men can always scrounge up food -- sex is not so conveniently packaged,
usually!

Have you seen this classic comparison yet?

His and Hers Definitions:

     Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
     Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
     psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a
     relationship.
     Male: Food, sex, and beer.

     Thingy (thing-ee) n.
     Female: Any part under a car's hood.
     Male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.

     Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
     Female: A woman who makes love to other women.
     Male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can watch
     and get really turned on.

     Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
     Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to
     the upper levels in business.
     Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe
     took over the office one flight up.

     Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
     Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
     Male: Playing ball without a cup.

     Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
     Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
     partner.
     Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
     weekend with the guys.

     Butt (but) n.
     Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
     makes "look bigger."
     Male: The organ of mooning (and farting).

     Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
     Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
     Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
     girlfriend.

     Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
     Female: A good movie, concert, play, or book.
     Male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

     Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
     Female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
     Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and
     male bonding.

     Making love (may-king luv) n.
     Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
     achieve.
     Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

     Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
     Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
     Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2
     1/2 minutes.

     Taste (tayst) v.
     Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
     cooking, to make sure it's good.
     Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone
     bad, prior to tossing it out.



The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers

  The five questions are:
  1 -  "What are you thinking?"
  2 -  "Do you love me?"
  3 -  "Do I look fat?"
  4 -  "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"

  What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed
to explodeinto a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.  For example:

  1 -  "What are you thinking?"  The proper answer to this
question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear.  I
was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful,
intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
  Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what
the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one
of five things:
   a -  Baseball
   b -  Football
   c -  How fat you are.
   d -  How much prettier she is than you.
   e -  How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

  According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid
 question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was
asked it by his wife, Peg.
  "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of
 thinking."

  The other questions also have only one right answer but many
wrong answers:


  2 -  "Do you love me?"  The correct answer to this question is,
 "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you
may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
   a -  I suppose so.
   b -  Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
   c -  That depends on what you mean by "love".
   d -  Does it matter?
   e -  Who, me?


  3 -  "Do I look fat?"  The correct male response to this question
is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and
then quickly leave the room.  Wrong answers include:
   a -  I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin
        either.
   b -  Compared to what?
   c -  A little extra weight looks good on you.
   d -  I've seen fatter.
   e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
        insurance policy.


  4 -  "Do you think she's prettier than me?"  The "she" in the
 question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were starring
at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress
in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No,
you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
   a -  Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
   b -  I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
   c -  Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
   d -  Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
   e -  Could you repeat the question?  I was thinking about your
        insurance policy.


  5 -  "What would you do if I died?"  Correct answer:  "Dearest
love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to
have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the
front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." 
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated
by the following stupid joke:

   "Dear," said the wife.  "What would you do if I died?"
   "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.  "Why
   do you ask such a question?"
   "Would you remarry?"  persevered the wife.
   "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
   "Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
   "Of course I do, dear" he said.
   "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
   "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
   "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
   "Yes" said the husband.
   "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a
long pause.
   "Well yes, I suppose I would."  replied the husband.
   "I see," said the wife indignantly."  And would you let her wear
my old clothes?"
   "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
   "Really," said the wife icily.  "And would you take down the
    pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
   "Yes.  I think that would be the correct thing to do."
   "Is that so?"  said the wife, leaping to her feet.  "And I
suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
   "Of course not, dear," said the husband.  "She is left-handed."


 Reasons why computers must be female:
 1.   As soon as you have one, a better one comes along.
 2.   No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
 3.   Even your smallest mistakes are commited to memory for
      future reference.

 4.   The native language used to communicate with other
      computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 5.   The message "Bad command or file name" is as useful as: "If
      you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
      going to tell you."
 6.   As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending
      half your paycheck on accessories for it.

 Reasons why computer must be male:
 1.   They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
 2.   They periodically cut you off right when you think you have
      established a connection.
 3.   They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't
      do more than they have to, and they won't think of it on 
      their own.
 4.   They are typically obsolete within five years and need to
      be traded in on a new model. Some users however, feel that
      they have already invested so much in the darn machine that
      they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1 down at the end of Lonely Street...in Heartbreak Hotel....      

--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)