Text 566, 161 rader
Skriven 2004-11-23 15:57:00 av George Pope
Ärende: What We All Want. . .
=============================
DENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE ON WHAT THE OTHER SEX WANTS



Advice To Women What Men Want 

I know the myth is that men want: 

 Traci Lords in the bedroom, 
   Julia Child in the kitchen, 
   Hazel around the house, 
   Lesley Visser during a game, 
   Mary Poppins for the children, 
   Cha Cha Muldowney in traffic, 
   Dr. Quinn, Medicine Chick when we're sick, 
   Mary Richards at work, 
   Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, 
   Gertrude Stein in conversation, 
   the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined with
  the voice of Sade, 
   and to top it all off, the IQ of Anna Nicole Smith, because of
  course we don't want to feel too threatened.

     

So if that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
first put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away
from the magazine. Now go to the window and take a deep breath. You
must clear your head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your
Man into Cooking Tex-Mex". Trick me? How about asking me? And
then I'll be able to tell you I don't have a fucking clue what
Tex-Mex is, okay?! 

All right, I'm not supposed to do this. I'm not supposed to reveal
the master list to all you non-tripods, but what the hell; here
goes: 

Here's what men want from women. One through Ten: 

 
   1. We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
      clothes, all right? Yours OR ours. All we need is one pair
      of tennies and one pair of church shoes. That's it.
   2. Don't talk to us while the television is on, all right? 
      Very simple: Television is off, we talk. Television is on, we
      don't talk. 
   3. When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
      aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger
      and expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over
      swinging a pair of nunchucks, all right? 
   4. Would it kill you to watch The Godfather with me for the
      fifty-seventh time? 
   5. Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and
      think, "You know, I betcha my accountant is boning me up the
      ass." 
   6. You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough
      chicks like that at The Drink when I was single. 
   7. Have a sense of humor. Without a sense of humor, a
      relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther
      meeting. 
   8. Work out your job-related anger before we have sex. Just
      because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima
      bean consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from
      Soup Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn
      groin ward at Cedars-Sinai, all right? 
   9. Don't ask us to cry. As much as you say you want us to cry,
      you don't really want us to cry. You hate it when we cry. 
      I've tried crying in front of my wife. She enjoyed it for
      about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the
      fuck did I marry this hamster?" 
  10. Be patient. Hold us. Love us unconditionally. Help us out
      of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into
      the light. Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big
      sloppy blowjob once in a while? 

       

Advice To Men On What Women Want 

Nowadays it seems like they want... other women. No, uhh... some
women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a
man. 

Let's see, the myth is that women want: 

 Brad Pitt in the bedroom, 
   Brad Pitt in the kitchen, 
   Brad Pitt around the house, 
   Brad Pitt during a game, 
   Brad Pitt when they're sick, 
   Brad Pitt in conversation, 
   The body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with
  the voice of Brad Pitt, 
   and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
   

     

Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or
she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies:
looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for
psychoanalysis, all right? 

And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are
dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too
much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys
who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are
trying to kill us. 

Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about
as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda, sorta,
maybe think women want from men. 

 
   1. Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright. 
   2. If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to
      subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim. 
   3. Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and
      power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent
      affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can
      go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to
      any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages. 
   4. Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. 
      Look at... say Carl, the brain-dead jackoff in the cubicle
      next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a
      slacking, worthless, total idiot. Now imagine making 30
      percent less than Carl. Hellooo...
   5. This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's
      your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny. 
   6. When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming
      out. Words are kind of important. 
   7. Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill
      rock stars to have women their own age in their videos. 
   8. Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau,
      you should know if she came. 
   9. Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask
      for directions. 
  10. When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick
      in your sleep, take it like a man. 

       

So, guys, at the end of the day what women want is this: equal pay,
fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a
genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's
too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your
head? 


Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1 What if there were no hypothetical questions?                   

--- EzyQwk V2.01b005 00F90260
 * Origin: Milky Way, Langley, BC [604] 532-4367 (1:153/307)