Text 800, 199 rader
Skriven 2004-12-19 00:52:00 av George Pope
     Kommentar till en text av GREG SEARS
Ärende: Re: Joke Today[10-12-200
================================
GS> T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
[...]
GS>
GS> It was the night before Christmas

Yup, twas'es aplenty!

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a
certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a
general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not
limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed
by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that
St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus")
would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to
as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts
of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for
a sustained period of sleep.  (At such time, the parties were clad in
various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance.  The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree
of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the
Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by
approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehivle appeared to
be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to
the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the
animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet,
Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer").  (Upon information
and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator
named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other
items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or
permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House,
and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a
portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant
violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the
minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other
small gifts.  (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said
minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where
the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts."  Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said
House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:
"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that
effect.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Christmas Eve in Brooklyn

'Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin',
I had a gun unda my pillow.

When up on da roof'
I heard somethin' pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, "Ay! Keep it down!"

When what to my
Wanderin' eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin' reindeer.

Wit' a bad hackin' cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!

Wit' a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.

"Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!"

As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his friggin' boot
On da top a my head.

His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.

He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.

Den pointin' a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh,
Obscenities screaming,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin'.

But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
"Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!"

- Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

                      Twas the Night Before Christmas
                         And All Through The House
                           Everybody Felt Shitty
                              Even The Mouse,

                           Mom At The Whorehouse
                           And Dad Smoking Grass
                           I'd Just Settled Down
                          For A Nice Piece Of Ass,

                            When Out On The Lawn
                           I Heard Such A Clatter
                           I Sprung From My Piece
                        To See What Was The Matter,

                            When Out On The Lawn
                              I Saw A Big Dick
                             I Knew In A Moment
                           It Must Be Saint Nick,

                          He Came Down The Chimney
                           Like A Bat Out Of Hell
                             I Knew In A Moment
                            The Fucker Had Fell,

                        He Filled All Our Stockings
                           With Pretzels And Beer
                           And A Big Rubber Dick
                         For My Brother The Queer,

                           He Rose Up The Chimney
                           With A Thunderous Fart
                             The Son Of A Bitch
                          Blew The Chimney Apart,

                           He Swore And He Cursed
                          As He Rode Out Of Sight
                              Piss On You All
                        And Have A Hell Of A Night!



Your Moderator and all-round friend/servant,
<+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Internet: gapope@vcn.bc.ca
1)If you don't like a joke, post 2-3 examples of what you DO like!
B)If you DO like a joke, say thank-you with 2-3 jokes of your own! :)

(AKA the Bishop of ROM!)

... nfx v3.1                                                                 

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