Text 807, 277 rader
Skriven 2004-12-20 08:43:24 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Bones
=================
Funny on 17-Dec-2004 10:36
GS> GP> A picture of George W. Bush, who signed the following?
> > Asshole declaration of rights
> G-day George Pope, guess it goes to show "if you're an ass-hole you
> get re-elected eh!" #[:-)]
-=[George Pope wrote IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-
GP> Like the story(I've lost) about the parts of the body arguing who
> should be the boss. . .
G-day George Pope, is this the one. #[;-?]
T H E H U M A N B O D Y
In the beginning, there was Human. Human was made up of many parts, and
every part had a job. But none of them were happy. All of them
believed they had too much to do, and most of them were lazy.
Arms were the first to complain, and so they were relieved of walking
duties and left Legs to all the hard work. Arms were assigned to
balance work.
Nose complained of sensory overload from Arse. Arse replied that it was
only following orders from Digestion.
Digestion defended its actions by citing Mouth as the offender. Mouth,
Digestion complained, had been overloading him with too much food.
The argument raged for some time, until Brain (an intelligent and power
hungry body part) was brought in as a mediator. Brain agreed to
restrict Mouth's consumption in accordance with Digestion's needs. In
return, many body parts allowed Brain some control over them.
As time passed, Brain amused itself by learning a language (after
negotiations with Ears and Mouth). As Brain learned more, it realized
that it would need to be able to manipulate the outside world in order
to learn more. Brain wrestled control from Arms of the upper limbs, and
placed them under direct control. Brain quickly came to realize it was
too difficult, so he told Arms that they would have to share control.
Arms were extremely angry with the way Brain had been throwing his
weight around, and refused. Brain responded by using his control to
bash Arms against a wall, and Arms then agreed to Brain's proposal.
Brain realized it would need to be able to read and write in order to
operate successfully. Brain opened negotiations with Eyes, who were
directly connected. Eyes had suffered in recent months from Fingers (a
division of Arms), who had been hitting Eyes from time to time. Brain
promised to protect Eyes in return for visual sensory input. Brain
gradually learned to read and write.
By now Nose was feeling left out, and asked to join Ears, Eyes and Mouth
in their alliance with Brain. Brain could see no reason why he should
bother with Nose's useless information and refused. Nose took action -
he developed an allergy and began to run. Mouth immediately began to
complain of mucus finding its way to him, and Lungs moaned of
congestion. Brain attempted to take direct control of Nose, but with no
success. Next he tried to beat Nose into submission with Arms, but Nose
only ran more, and even bled. Next Brain tried to ignore Nose by
mopping up the mess with Hands. Arms got tired and Brain decided it
wasn't worth the effort. Nose joined the Sensory Input Gang.
Many years past, and brain gained control over most body parts, or
reached an agreement with other important parts, (such as Lungs, Heart
and Kidneys). Brain decided to leave Appendix to his own devices
(Something he was later to regret).
Not many years after reaching an age of double-figures, Brain began to
ponder the meaning of his existence. After thinking deeply and
carefully for some time, Brain had still not resolved the problem. Then
a body part spoke up.
Groin promised the meaning of life if he was allowed a degree of control
over Brain. Brain was understandably reluctant at this idea. Brain
asked for more details as to this secret before committing himself -
after all, Brain had spent years doing little more than think, and
suddenly this small, insignificant body part offered all the answers.
Brain was suspicious and demanded to know the secret in advance, and
only then would he allow Groin the privileges he requested. Groin
replied that he must have control of Brain in order to divulge the
knowledge. Brain now suspected a coup, and refused point blank.
Furthermore, he warned Groin that any uprising would be dealt with
stiffly. Groin merely snickered.
Brain, who was by now somewhat annoyed, threatened physical violence
against Groin. Groin thought this most amusing. Brain found this
infuriating and in order to show this insolent pup just who was boss,
punched Groin as hard as possible. This turned out to be a big mistake.
A pain like no other exploded like soundless fireworks, blooming into a
harsh white, then fading to a dull red.
After half an hour, when Brain had recovered enough to think effectively
once again, he demanded to know what Groin had just done.
Groin replied that he had, from birth, a certain amount of influence
upon brain, and now he was ready to take over the body. Brain was
dismayed to notice that Groin had chemical weapons - hormones -
stockpiled and ready for use. Brain knew he couldn't beat Groin into
submission (the very thought caused Eyes to water), but there was one
last hope. He knew that hormone release was slightly dependent upon
Mood and Emotion. These were fairly unused parts of Brain, and now he
dusted them off and prepared to make a preemptive strike. Brain was by
no means skilled with Emotion, since the most use he had put it to was
causing Eyes to water and Mouth to wail when he was younger. He was
more experienced with Mood, and had used it extensively when Digestion
had complained of a chocolate shortage.
Groin, in the meantime, had foreseen what Brain would do, and prepared
his deadly Hormones for launch. He expanded the hormone-producing
machines to cope with increased demands. Groin struck during the night,
and Brain was totally unprepared. When he woke the next morning, Face
screamed in horror at the eruptions that had appeared overnight. Brain
took little time to realize he had been attacked, and immediately began
to fluctuate Mood and Emotion out of control.
This affected Groin's hormone production, but he still had enough to
launch the next phase of his attack - Operation Embarrassment. Brain
discovered the dreadful aftermath of these new tactics the next morning,
when his bed was found to be wet. The next merciless onslaught came
from groin later that day. For no reason, and in full view of people he
knew, Groin stood tall and proud - defiant.
War raged between Brain and Groin for almost a year before Brain finally
realized he had been beaten. He hung the white flag and sued for peace.
The resulting treaty granted Groin certain powers over Brain, including
the right to take direct control of Mouth, Legs and Heart, with lesser
control over most other body parts. Brain was unhappy at the
arrangement, but there was little he could do.
Groin tested his control shortly afterwards, with disastrous results.
While he certainly had raw power and brute strength, he did not have
much experience of controlling anything but himself (and he wasn't
particularly good at that). The upshot of this is that Heart raced,
Face blushed, Eyes rolled, Nose flared, Throat went dry, Stomach
churned, Legs wobbled, Arms knocked things over and Mouth stopped
working properly. As the months past, Groin gradually became more
proficient and eventually got to do what he had lusted to do for years -
reproduce. At the final moment, the climax, Brain decided it had all
been worth it (Although he still wasn't sure this was the meaning of
life, he was quite happy to keep doing it until he found it).
> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
WHO'S BOSS?
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body
argued over who would be the Boss.
The Brain explained that since he controlled all the
parts of the body, he should be Boss.
The Legs argued that since they took the Man
wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.
The Stomach countered with the explanation that
since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.
The Eyes said that without them, Man would be
helpless, so they should be Boss.
Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts
of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became
mad and closed up.
After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got
wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and
were unable to see.
They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.
This proves you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss...
Just an asshole!
> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
Corporate Restructuring at the North Pole
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of
concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other
restructuring at the North Pole. Streamlining was appropriate in view
of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's
gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order
catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and they could not sit
idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture. The reindeer
downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of
service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has been cited.
I am pleased to inform you and that Rudolph's role will not be
disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.
Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier
leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from
substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and
never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made
by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year
when he is known to be under Executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the
North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.
Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take
place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
* The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out
to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic
hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
* The two turtle doves represent a redundance that is simple but not
cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours
could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
* The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone
loves the French.
* The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail
system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to
determine who the birds have been calling, how often, and how long
they talked.
* The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of
Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could
have negative implications for institutional investors.
Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of
T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
* The six geese a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one
egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in
productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the
selection procedures by personnel will assure management that from
now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
* The seven swans a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better
times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are
on order. The current swans will be retained to learn some new
strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
* As you know, the eight maids a-milking concept has been under
heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce
is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end
job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit
the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.
* The lords a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation
Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work
congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the
savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of
unemployed congressmen this year.
* Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case
of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet,
a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings
which will drop the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl
animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop
ship in one day, service will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers suing"):
Action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be
necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should this happen, the
Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to
see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
* *
### Merry Christmas ###
##### Happy New Year #####
= I C E-man =
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