Text 809, 202 rader
Skriven 2004-12-20 08:58:00 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: Book
================
Funny on 19-Dec-2004 00:36
GS> GP> And,whenever he'd had enough of her bitching/nagging, he'd just
> > reached over & turn out the light!
> G-day George Pope, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose! #[;-)]
-=[George Pope wrote IN a message to GREG SEARS]=-
GP> Nah -- I always win, and, for my friends/etc., they always win, too --
> so it's win-win and nobody loses!
G-day George Pope, that must be ~W H Y~ I keep comin back to this place eh!
> OBJoke: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
T H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S
---------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Were empties and butts left around by some louse.
And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care,
Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there.
My guests had long since been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with God - awful heads.
My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap
And me - I was dying for one more nightcap.
When out from the lawn there came such a smell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell-
Away to the window I tore like a flash
Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe.
And what to my wondering eyes should show up-
But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck.
With a little old driver who looked like a hick
I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick.
Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came
And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name.
On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night
You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White.
Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall,
Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul.
So up the roof went reindeer and truck
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck
And then, in a twinkling I heard from above
A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove.
And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear
Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear.
He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants
And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants.
His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy.
He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back
And a breath that would blow a train off the track.
He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right
But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose--
He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace
He fell over his feet and slid on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight --
Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight!
> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
'Twas the night befo' Kwanzaa, and down in the 'hood
All the homeys was hopin' the crack would be good
The workshoes were hung where they'd never be used
Since the welfare system is so much abused
With Kwase Mfume and Schmoke at the Hall
Waiting around for Clinton to call
I in my workclothes sat back with a case
After ten hours of sweat, it was time to get faced
After the tenth, I was totally waxed
And wondered aloud, when will piss become taxed
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
I slipped as I zipped with a half empty bladder
Then what to my wondering eyes did appear
A fat old black man - a gold ring in his ear
He said, "I'm Father Kwanzaa, and Santa is dead"
"So git yo' white ass on back into yo' bed!"
"For Farrakhan rules, and Bill is our man,"
"So out of yo' pockets, and into our hands!"
"Your money in taxes, empowerment grants,"
"Your lucky I don't take those baggy-assed pants!"
PIPE SMOKING: You've been pictured with a pipe, and even though an
apologist in The New York Times once claimed it's only a prop, a
witness who encountered you in his home said "the smoke it encircled
his head like a wreath."
According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and
cigar smokers have twice a nonsmoker's risk for lung cancer, four times
the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers
of the mouth and esophagus.
Even if the pipe's just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it.
Remember, you're not just a saint, you're a role model.
STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could
certainly put one on the emotional hot seat. And anxiety can surpass
even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems.
On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news
service says laughter -- as evidenced by your trademark "Ho, ho, ho" --
is one of the best stress-busters going.
SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney,
an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the
chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems.
Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his
people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when
they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.
RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful
arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year we've
noticed you're also receiving -- and answering -- e-mail on at least
four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle,
santa@cyberspace.com.
We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this
caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the
hands, wrists and arms.
DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer
means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a
veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and
keep the deer out of your bed.
FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMIA: You usually bundle up, and that's good. A
Weather Service satellite recently showed the temperature at the North
Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such
conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.
MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you
already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to
walk back to your sleigh at night alone.
MEMORY TROUBLE: It's been said that you make a list, then check it
twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?
SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is
virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can
trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would
help keep you jolly.
VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath
the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, don't
you?
SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: We've seen plenty of pictures of you in that
sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and we'd sure hate to see you get
hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure
to cover the load.
JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that
travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few
travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.
SKYJACKERS: OK, you've been lucky so far, but they're out there.
Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more
fortunate that you're still faithfully delivering the goodies to good
boys and girls every Christmas.
But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your
insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You
DO have insurance, don't you?
Sincerely,
Jack Brown
Seattle Times staff reporter
* *
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