Text 568, 260 rader
Skriven 2004-11-24 05:16:04 av Greg Sears (1:153/307)
Kommentar till en text av George Pope
Ärende: Re: F unny 1/2
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GS> > GEORGE POPE sanctioned CINDY HAGLUND in Conf: (327) FUNNY saying..
-=[ George Pope was saying F unny stuff to the I C E-man ]=-
GP> I wouldn't say I *SANCTIONED* her!
> That would suggest I was APPROVING of the lack of "funny joke or
> story" in her posting!
*SANCTIONED* : Conforming to orthodox or recognized rules.
So tell me what did you do to CINDY HAGLUND? '-)))
GS> GP>Sorry, that's not a "funny joke or story" as the echo rules
> >required be included in every post!
> >So now you must post TWO funny jokes or stories!
> G-day CyberPope,
> Can I help this wonderfull person you say must do penance here? '-)
GP> [ ..Cindy's 2 ObJokes.. ]
Cool.. .. so she is off your hook then! <CHuckles to self>
GP> Of course, especially considering you also included your own OJ!! :)
> Good on you, mate, for being such an honourable man of gallant
> chivalry!
^^^^^^^^
Still used today in Top 10 Ways to get drunk for five dollars or less
In the good old days, a university student could head out to the bars
with five bucks and be assured of having enough money to get royally
pissed. Indeed, she'd usually have enough left over to intoxicate any
piece of fluff she decided to make her conquest that particular night.
We don't live in the 1920s anymore, however, and Russia is quite a cab
fare away. These days most university students have become resigned to
a life of poverty, sobriety, or both.
But never fear, and grab your beer, Chris is here. Now my secrets on
getting drunk cheap are yours!
Number 10. Be a frosh (freshman).
It's not true that every frosh can be knocked into unconsciousness
by waving a tom collins under their nose, but as those of us who go
hunting for frosh on "New Kids night" at the local dance holes know, the
phenomena is not rare. Frosh are usually young, inexperienced, and
sometimes even illegal to entice into your boudoir. If anyone can get
drunk on five bucks, it's them.
Number 9. Be female.
Chivalry is not dead! While you ladies can't expect guys to risk
their life, or miss an episode of star trek for you, you may still be
able to get some alcohol out of them. Try standing around the bar,
sipping water with a grimace on your face. Dress slutty. Smile at guys
as they walk by, the drunker geekier the better. If you want to get
more than one drink out of a guy start talking about how hot it is. Act
intoxicated. Become even more friendly. At an appropriate time have a
friend come by and "save you", then move on to the next guy.
Number 8. Try Medication.
Sleeping pills. Allergy pills. If it says "do not take alcohol
with this drug" or "do not operate a motorized vehicle while under the
influence of this drug", it must be good! Intelligent students such as
ourselves, while not having a shred of pharmaceutical knowledge, can see
that these statements are a plot by alcohol producers to keep us buying
large quantities of booze.
Number 7. If it ends in 'ol', drink it!
Alcohol isn't the only intoxicant ending in 'ol'. Methanol,
Butanol and Propanol are all fine safe intoxicants, often available at
bargain prices. Stay away from aerosol, cholesterol, and drool.
Number 6. Sleep Deprivation and Sickness.
For some reason, your body doesn't want you to have any fun, and
actively fights alcohol poison enhancement. When you're sick, and
tired, your body's defences are at their lowest. This means its often
one of the most cost effective times to get plastered! Best of all, if
you puke, you can blame it on the flu.
Number 5. Try Antifreeze
Hey, ten thousand deranged alcoholic street people can't be wrong!
Number 4. Smash and Grab.
Drunk on less than five bucks? Try drunk for free! If you're smart
enough to figure out your news reader, chances are you're smart enough
to plan a little robbery.
Number 3. Scavenge.
Go to any bar and you'll usually see alcohol that people just don't
want. Most often these finds will be at empty tables, with chairs with
jackets on them that people also don't want. Grab the booze, and the
jackets, and leave. Do so stealthily though. You wouldn't believe how
many losers will pretend that they really wanted their castoffs.
Finders keepers!
Number 2. Hang around with Losers or Generous People (same thing)
Some people are crazed enough to buy alcohol for other people, and
expect nothing in return. Well, they might expect after they buy you
a round that you'll do the same, but you never signed any contract.
Generous people usually stop buying alcohol when they realize what a
cheap bastard you are, but losers will usually keep on doing it.
They'll be so overwhelmed by the fact that you're actually talking to
them, they won't worry about little details, like that they're spending
their tuition money to get you pissed.
Number 1. Make Beer Fast
Finger the originator of this article, an address will be given.
Mail one beer to this address. Using saturation posting techniques,
repost this article to enough newsgroups for about a million people to
see it. Within a few weeks you'll have received a million beers. In
another few weeks the postal system will collapse.
> OBGroanser: for our Moderator and all-round friend/servant
At the Psychiatrist
Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead, when in
reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that
his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the
man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical
books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After
hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't
bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle
of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger... "Dead men do bleed!!"
> OBJoke: for Mr. <+]::-{(} ("Cyberpope")
CO-DEPENDENT CINDERELLA
By Eric Perlin
The prince wandered all over the village with the glass slipper to try to
find out whom it was he danced with at the ball the previous night. After
hundreds of tries, he went to the home of Cinderella and her wicked
stepmother and ugly stepsisters.
He tried the slipper on both stepsisters first, but it did not fit either
of them. Then he asked Cinderella to try it on. Lo and behold, it was a
perfect fit.
"So it was you! My darling, at last I have found you! Come along with me
and I will take you away from all this."
"I can't," said Cinderella. "I haven't finished my chores yet."
"But you don't have to finish your chores. Just come along with me and
the two of us will live in a beautiful castle and live happily ever
after!"
Cinderella said, "I don't think my wicked stepmother would let me marry a
prince."
The prince said, "But you don't have to ask your wicked stepmother. If
you come with me, you won't have to take orders from her ever again! You
will be free. Don't you want that?"
"I don't know. If I move in with you, I would really miss my wicked
stepmother. Sure, she makes me do a lot of chores and dresses me in rags,
but she is the only mother I have ever known. I love her."
The prince said, "That's absurd. Your wicked stepmother has given you
nothing but grief."
"Don't talk that way about mother," she said. "She hasn't been that bad
to me lately. She bought me a brand new mop for my birthday last month.
She doesn't even beat me every day like she used to. Now she only beats
me once or twice a week, and only when I really deserve it."
The prince assured her, "If you still want to see your wicked stepmother,
you can always visit her."
"If I go with you, will you make me do any chores in the castle?"
The prince replied, "Why, no. You will never have to lift a finger. If
any chores need to be done, you will have servants to do them for you.
I'm telling you, it would be a much better life!"
"No chores at all? I wouldn't know what to do with all that free time."
"You will be free to spend your days any way you desire. You can swim in
our Olympic-size pool if you want. You can play golf or tennis in the
courtyard whenever you like, or you can just sit around the castle and
watch the big-screen TV all day if you want. We've got a satellite dish,
you know."
"That sounds good," Cinderella said. "That would certainly be a step up
from the kind of lifestyle I have here with my wicked stepmother."
"Then you'll come with me?"
Cinderella paused and said, "No, I can't. If it's that good, then I don't
really deserve it. I am going to stay here with my wicked stepmother."
The prince was baffled. "But why????"
"Because I was treated so shabbily for all these years, I've come to
accept the fact that I don't deserve any better. Go off and find someone
else; anyone else. Whoever you find, you can be sure she will be better
than me."
"But you are the only one for me! I want you. No one else! You are
beautiful."
"No I am not," replied Cinderella. "I am fat and ugly and no decent man
would ever want anything to do with me. My wicked stepmother has always
told me so, so I know it's true. It's nice of you to pretend you're
attracted to me, but I'm sure you could never really love me. "
"But that's not so! I..."
"Just go on without me."
Just then, Cinderella's wicked stepmother entered the room. She sternly
said to the prince, "You heard her. Go."
Without another word, the prince got on his horse and rode away alone.
Cinderella was now free to resume cleaning the chimney and scrubbing the
floors.
The end
(c)2002 by Eric Perlin
Cheers, , .________________________________________________.
,___|._/_. | Trucking through life with a smile on my dial! |
,___/__] || | | -=[ The I C E-man ]=- |
|.__!____!!___! !________________________________________________!
"~(@)[___][___]==(@)(@)=| \_______________________]=(@)(@)(@)~'
... George... This tag is TRUE --> <-- That tag is FALSE
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